home home!

home home i'm going home!!

:)

tomorrow! but what will i do without my charlie for 4 whole days?

in other news... i got my wedding photos back. they are -beautiful-!

here's a few favorites:

group projects

i am a very bad team-member. not because i'm not willing to do my part... i love to do my part. but it's more because i care more about my grade than my partner... so i do it all myself. because i know i will complete it. and i know i will do a good (enough) job.
i presently find myself in an awkward situation. we had a group project in one of my classes this semester, and it was a very big one. after the first couple of weeks and my partner wouldn't respond to emails, wouldn't look over the work i had done, showed up to meetings 30 minutes late... and came unprepared, i gave up. i hate conflict, so it was just easier to do myself.
i held back comments when she proudly stated that all of her other friends were freaking out about the project and it so wasn't a big deal (because i had been freaking out, too.) i let it slide when she said she was mad at me for demanding her recipe hand-out the day the project was due because -she didn't know it was due!-
however, today was our final in the class. our teacher was handing back our graded projects and said there were 2 groups she needed to meet with separately because of unequal team-work. whoops. and since i never mentioned all my pent-up frustration to my partner... she has no clue. (but should i really have to ask my partner IN COLLEGE to participate?) so now we have to MEET with my teacher about this. huh. and my partner decided that it couldn't be about team-work... it must be about something else. i am very frustrated, but at the same time, i kind of hope this whole problem just goes away :/
but seriously. it was a 20-something page project. and she did 4. 4 pages. out of 23? i am very frustrated

finals

after this many years of being in school, i have _mastered_ finding ways to not study.

simply having a wonderful christmastime

i don't think i quite realized how dependent i am upon certain things.
dependent for purpose.
dependent for happiness.
dependent for fulfillment.

even some silly simple things like traditions.
or routine.

and then suddenly.. they're all gone.

i'm no good with change.

congratulations!

this year has been a year of changes and celebrations.

1. lovie graduated from high school and started at JBU!
2. susie graduated with her PhD and was offered 3 jobs! she's working for the aurora public school system! and al finished his nursing degree and impressively got a job in an ICU unit!
3. charlie and i got engaged and... married! we successfully planned a wedding! i also started working toward my goal of being a dietitian by going back to school!
4. mom went a whole summer without needing surgery :) (sorry mom... no more surgeries for you!)
5. dad completed a large portion of his PhD thesis (book) and got promoted (yesterday!) to "all but degree" status! (that means they know he's "doctor" quality! he just needs to finish it!)

(and with my new loup family, too!
charlie and my marriage, risa and judah's marriage, and nic and crystal's baby foxy. it's an eventful year all around!)

oddly enough, with all these changes, we're all looking forward to more changes. all of us will probably move within the next 3 or so years. stacy will graduated again... al will get into nurse anesthetist school... they'll probably have a baby in 3 years, too :) (Hopefully!) charlie will graduate ;) and (hopefully!) i'll get into a masters program somewhere? and mom and dad will move to the city where dad gets a job!

i really miss my family. i hope we'll all soon be in a place where we live close or can visit more often. it's exciting to me that in all of our different stages of life, God is still working in us and through us and bringing us to new places.

honesty...

hey wendy! thanks for the nomination... i'm not sure how interesting this will be. i'm normally pretty terrible at coming up with lists about myself. but let's see... probably the more honest i am, the more interesting this will be...?

1. back in the day when i was in college... at all of my ilead director retreats, we had to come up with these sort of lists. mine were generally boring except when i would impulsively throw in something stupid like "i wish i were tyra banks." whoops? i can't help it that i'm drawn to tall women. they understand my plight in life.

2. i wish people would stop having babies or talking about babies. seriously. how many pregnancy tests can a girl go through? i'm seriously paranoid.

3. charlie and i -really- love our pets. like reallyreally. we sing a song about punkin to the tune of "apple bottom jeans"... called "hoggy-bottom pernk". and today we gave pernkin the scientific name "hoggybottomous poopsiana britanicaa." i mean... we don't study scientific names on our way to school every friday or anything...

4. i've always hated nature because i don't get along with it very well. i must have the blood volume of a pregnant lady (See! another reason to be paranoid!) because mosquitos are innately attracted to me. i could be standing next to charlie and have 12 of them swarming and biting me... and charlie? nothin. every night before bed, i run around the house and smash all the mosquitos that snuck in on the walls and ceiling. it infuriates charlie. but i can't sleep knowing they're drinking my blood and buzzing in my ear. BUT, despite my hatred of bugs, i LOVE living in a little trailer in the country. i hope to find a job on our side of the river so i can keep my life small-towned. i like it.

5. i am addicted to sugar. and when i say addicted... i mean if i resist eating something sweet long enough, chances are i will break and then binge on it. i believe this is called "related disordered eating." well done for the girl who wants to be a nutritionist. at least i will understand people if we talk about diet changes...?

6. i still cry when i get to missin' my mommy. (like every week. ask charlie.)

7. i -love- to cook... and HATE to clean up my mess. HATE. poor charlie. i'm a very messy cook because i like to experiment.

8. i think about children in other parts of the world pretty much every day. i remember the faces i saw in the garbage dump in nicaragua... the kids in la carpio... the girls in thailand. it brings me severe guilt for doing nothing to help them.

9. i want to foster/adopt. we want a big family. with lots of love. giving opportunities to kids that may not have had them. i would also -really- like to start an orphanage somewhere. i know charlie and i will travel and hopefully really help communities with nutrition and agricultural related issues. it makes me antsy. who knows how long we'll have to wait?

10. i love musicals. 7 brides for 7 brothers? christmas gift please?! haha charlie and i are going to see an hansel and gretle opera this weekend! yay! i think musicals of any sort require a lot of brilliance to put together.


the rest of the rules....
1. Must thank the person who gave you the award and list their blog and link it.
2. share 10 honest things about yourself...
3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

now my nominations? umm?
1. leslye. you'll say something crazy.
2. melissa. you neverever update. and i love you.
3. susan! i know you do daily things, but you could stand a change of pace?
4. charlie! please? update.
5. molly and her big-city stories..? maybe?
6. amy... you should consider restarting your blog! please?
i don't know. no one updates anymore. i miss my xanga.

all i have left now is one more sister to tie the knot :)

i love to be married. risa and judah... i wish you... an eternal love and bond with one another!

and ps... there was a rainbow that appeared out of a cloudless sky right before arisa walked down the isle. it was a -very- beautiful God moment!

I think I must appear fickle.

I say I’m going to do something… and then… I don’t.

Something happens. I don’t follow through.

My life, in some aspects, keeps not going where I want it to go or think it should go. I don’t feel like it’s a problem of commitment. I commit myself to something, and it feels like that something keeps falling apart underneath me. Like I leap onto an iceberg only to feel it slowly melt.

“I’m going to nursing school”

fail.

“I’m going to get a dietetics degree at lsu”

fail.

It makes me scared for the future. “I’m going to get a masters degree in dietetics.”

What’s to say that won’t be another fail? There’s like 150 steps between here and there.

I have to get a job once this semester is over. I don’t want to. I felt –so- suffocated at the hospital. Suffocated because of the hours and because of the structure and because I couldn’t take off when I wanted to. Suffocated because I have a college degree and can’t find a real job. Suffocated because of the thought that I’ll never get to where I’m trying to go. Suffocated because of everything that job meant I wasn’t. Being treated like… I was uneducated and incapable. Suffocated because it was the best thing I could find.

I don’t want to search for another job. I don’t want to be another secretary. I need challenge. I need autonomy. I need freedom. I need creativity. I need to use my brain. I need to feel like a contributing member of society.

i keep hearing over and over again "whether you eat or drink (or work or study) or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God.

melissa, "movie stars" and marriage

Melissa came to visit! i had every intention of making her take a picture in my -amazing- lsu snuggie, but time escaped us. very quickly. the trip was too short! come back!

do you know who this is? (he's on true blood--a vampire show based in louisiana)

or this? (he's yemi on lost)
him? (hehe! paris hilton movie the hottie and the nottie!)

no? i didn't either. but that still didn't make me any less excited that we met them (we being melissa, risa, ashleigh, lauren, and lacie). true blood? lost? csi? comeon. it made for a very exciting bachelorette party for my new sistie who is getting married in about 20 days! yay!

the first one pictured (jim parrack) was a really nice guy. he gave risa some marriage advice that i really appreciated. he said that even though it's sometimes hard to imagine the kind of intense commitment that comes along with marriage, it's worth it. you can have 100 of the exact same 1 experience with 100 different people... or you can broaden your life by having 100 different experiences with 1 person. he's married and says he is sure he made the right choice.

it was very ironic, that advice he gave that night. i... have a hard time understanding cheating on a spouse. i'm not being naive. i'm not saying i don't understand how it -could- happen... i'm just saying that i don't understand how you could forget your spouse like that. forget their feelings. forget your vows. forget how much you've already been through together. i think i brought charlie up to every person i talked to that night. i even offended someone by showing them my ring after a compliment. maybe i was just being overly-careful because of what i was seeing all around me.

i'm very happy to know i'm married to a man who is as committed to me and our marriage as i am.

happy birthday!

today is my wonderful husband's birthday!
my birthday was last week and so this post may seem a little backwards. but in order to tell you how -amazing- he is... i'm going to re-count how fantastic he was to me on my birthday. and just how wonderful he is in general.

-he woke me up with WHOLE WHEAT BLUEBERRY pancakes. blueberries he picked and froze himself.
-he posted reasons he loves me all over our kitchen when i was feeling insecure about my wifeliness.
-he took me to get thai food for lunch!
-he consistently picks out cute clothes AND jewelry for me!
-he threw me a surprise biggest loser birthday party. and. you have to know that the biggest loser is my FAVORITE show ever... and he made that into a birthday party! and was sneaky enough to keep it from me!
-when i cook (which is often and messy!), he cleans up the dishes
-he gets up early to take care of our two babies (rufie and pernky)
-he is a good provider
-he gave me about 3000 kisses on my birthday
-he lets me watch the biggest loser without complaining

even though we're married now... at times my feelings towards him are so strong that i want to get married to him all over again. he loves me when i pout. he loves me when i complain. he loves me when i'm too tired to take a shower. he loves me when i'm in turmoil about my future. he loves me when i am the ridiculous 8 year old girl that i am.

i also love him because of his character. i know very few people who are as widely respected as he is in everything he does. he's the hardest worker and does things with excellence. he's respectful. he LOVES people... i mean -really- loves them. he spurs me on to be a better person. his relationship with God is his own and becomes more and more his own all the time. he's definitely a man i am proud to be led by.

charlie loup... i love you as my best friend, my husband, and the father of my pernky :)

critters

most people that know me pretty well know that i love critters. i have had many, many pets and... critters over the span of my (nearly) 23 years. i have had... 6 dogs (in chronological order: samson, pepper, toto, tiggy, punkin, and rufie). tons of fish. a couple salamanders. several lizards. multiple hamsters (including the infamous big mama and her litters of babies. err.. the one litter that survived her blood thirst :( ) frogs. an ant farm. lightning bugs (can i count those?). aaaaand that MAY be all... (susan and i kept two baby squirrels alive once for a few days. but they had fallen from their tree and had too much internal bleeding to survive. but i remember we scared a lot of women at church when they asked us what was in our bowl covered with a towel. we HAD to bring them to church because we fed them cat's milk formula from a bottle every few hours. i think almost all of the ladies we showed screamed, actually. they were ugly, bald little things. ha. and we changed their names every few hours. romeo and juliet. chip and dale. you name it. and it was probably one of their names at some point.)

well... the actual point of all this was to prove that i love me some animals! critters, even! unfortunately, i have had to draw the line somewhere. and this line was drawn just the other day. i was in our bathroom getting ready for school when i heard a somewhat disturbing sound. *shuffleshuffleshuffle* i stopped. i listened. and i KNEW. only one thing makes that sound. and it sounds like it's coming from underneath our vanity. for SOME reason... i got -really- brave. and slowly opened the door to the cabinet. and there he was. looking straight at me. he said "hiii!" and then scurried down his little hole. i said "hmm." and closed the door behind him.

i got even more brave later to look at the damage. he pooed on our toilet paper! i am a nutrition major and we talk about things like health safety! and we can't go about using toilet paper already used by a mouse! they carry diseases and microbs. so i tossed out the damaged toilet paper. removed all my sponges and tampons. and hairdryer. (ew yuck). and am pretending like our little mousie friend never saw those things.

i told charlie punkin had invited some friends to come live with us and to please, take care of them quickly.

and yesterday.
we caught 3 of them.
in less than 8 hours.
are there statistics on this??
that means we must have like 1000 living under our dear little trailer.

ew. i must draw the line somewhere.

oh. and we have fireants, too!!! coming in through our kitchen window. about 4 times a day charlie sucks them up with our vacuum. but they always come back. no matter how clean our kitchen is!

i have to draw the line somewhere. sorry mousies. sorry ants. you didn't make the cut.

prankster

so maybe this is not the appropriate place to tell this story, but it's the middle of the day and everyone i know is at work. or class.
and besides. susan talked about this in her blog once. so. there.

i decided that i was pregnant. this morning i decided that. i mean. i have slight reasons. but no substantial evidence. i felt a little nauseous. i'm waiting for the "proof". so i decided to take one of the pregnancy tests given to me by my lovelies at my bachelorette shower. and since i've never taken a pregnancy test before, i was kind of excited about it.

so i got it out. looked at the instructions. and told charlie i was going to take it. he glared at me and told me not to "waste" one when i KNEW i'm not pregnant.

but i ignored him and peed on it anyway. i set it down on the counter and waited. i'm pretty sure it took less than the 60 second minimum to show perfectly clear that i was NOT pregnant, but i decided to wait the whole 3 minutes.

nope. still nothin. then i thought to myself about how i could be a trickster. so i ran over to my jar of pens and sharpies to look for the most appropriately colored sharpie. found it. i took it to my pregnancy test and colored on the + for positively pregnant.

then i yelled "hey char! come see! i can't tell." he looked at the test. then at the paper. at the test. then at the paper. then at the test. then at the paper. and finally said "i think it says right here "test is invalid if you draw on the +"."

i actually thought i tricked him all the way until we got to school and he revealed that he was just trying to come up with something to say. but i still choose to believe that pregnancy test was NOT wasted. you should have seen the look on his face :)

hey september!

this fall is a busy season. lots of birthdays and showers and showers and weddings and babies and school and homework and commuting and work.

i've made a couple of friends at school going through the same plight i am. we're all non-traditional students with degrees trying to simply get the requirements to be registered dietitians. and we're all quite frustrated. i came up with a plan according to all of our needed coursework following the strict prerequisites and semester offerings. i thought i could -maybe- finish in 2 years if i took two 19-hour semesters and did a little summer-work as well. this 2 years would get me ready for a year-long internship which would get me ready for the boards. i wasn't very happy about this, but it sounded do-able.

well.. i talked to my friend this morning who looked over my plan again... and she thinks it will take 3 years. with like 5-15 hour semesters. and THEN the internship. and THEN the boards. 3 years. because of how they have the program set up. i just don't see myself staying in this program that long wasting time on 5 hour semesters.

especially when i could get a grad degree AND get my internship AND be ready for the board exam in 2 years. TWO. masters degree. internship. all in one. it seems stupid to put in 4 years for nothing but a license, when i could actually get something else out of it in less time.

so i am presently on a voyage to determining my future. charlie has been (of course) very supportive and agreed that moving may be what we need to do if i can find the right program.

it's very disparaging to finally know what it is you want to do and be faced by obstacle after obstacle and discouragement and discouragement. it's like an opposition that i just can't seem to get past... yet KNOW i have to. but it's also scary to me thinking about the GRE and grad school and trying to keep up with everything. i'm so easily overwhelmed.

but i would shrivel up and die if i had to work on the rehab unit for the rest of my life. DIE.

God, i need wisdom. wisdom and direction.

soooo... it's been a while, huh?
thanks to a CRAZY summer getting ready for the wedding, and even crazier couple weeks before, the wedding, the honeymoon, moving to louisiana, not having internet, and starting school at lsu.. this just hasn't fit into the schedule unfortunately. but hopefully we will have internet soon... and hopefully things will settle down quickly.
i'm a little overwhelmed right now... our to-do list is... sizable. but i LOVE being married. and i am married to a... truly wonderful man. it's so fun waking up next to him every morning and learning more and more about him every day. he's my partner for life!


here's a few pictures (courtesy of my cousin Mike) from the wedding and honeymooon to belize!!






the view from our bedroom!!!

that's me in the water!
natural waterslide at the waterfall

the made neat things with our towels and decorated our bed with flowers every day when they cleaned!

4 days!

everything feels so surreal.
and so natural.

i'm getting married...!? but i can't imagine NOT being married to charlie, either.

also... since the honeymoon is a surprise, sometimes i forget i'm going to be in a foreign country in... 5 days. a country unbeknown to me.
but it's hopefully going to be this:

or this:


rather than this:

or this:

10 days!

it's only 10 days away!
we may have talked about getting married for QUITE a while before charlie proposed... but i am SO glad the official proposal and wedding planning process was short. i can't imagine doing this for a whole year. waiting to get married for a whole year! no thank you. so for all of you people who told me i was crazy... this is for you. it's going to be a lovely, successful wedding. everything is going to work out just fine. and in the end... i didn't have to put off being married to my love for 8 extra months :)
that being said... there ARE a few little details i probably should have been trying to stay on top of. like who is going to put out the chairs on the day of the wedding... or what car i'm going to drive up in... or what SHOES i'm going to wear... or finding someone to video it... you know. the small stuff :) but it hasn't been worth it to me to stress myself out. i want to ENJOY this! and i won't if i'm trying to micro-manage everything at every minute.
this past weekend we had a lingerie and a couples shower at glynnwood down in louisiana. it was so much fun! after spending an entire year feeling like i didn't know anyone... i knew the name and face of almost everyone at the shower. that was such a good feeling and it made me feel a little more at home. i wish i wouldn't be so far from my family, but i AM joining a pretty great one :)
well... instead of being lazy, i suppose i should attempt to work on some of those small details! orrrrrrrr do yoga or tan or something :)

i'm in love

tomorrow is 18 days until the wedding. and i can't wait. there's a list a mile long of all the small things that have to happen before then... but i know they'll get done. and at the end of that joyous day, i'll be married to my best friend. the most wonderful man there is.
when i think about the chain of events that had to happen in order for THIS to happen.. it's undeniable. i don't necessarily believe in "the one"... i think who you marry is the one... but i DO believe that God brought Charlie and myself together. for a good purpose. i'm so thankful He did. he's the perfect one for me... endlessly patient, steady, loving, compassionate, open to hearing God and able to do so, WISE... SO wise... and he pursues me. every day. as if i'm someone worth REALLY knowing.

i am a woman blessed by God.
more proof: the ladies at my church through a bridal shower for me (and charlie)!

my mom and sister:
the lovely hostesses:
the food table:
and the drink table! i love the tea jar!

31 days till wedded bliss...

tomorrow could be the last day i teach swimming lessons. ever. until i teach my own, i suppose. dad overheard some of the ladies talking about how patient i was with their kids and how they all stayed so under control... some of them commented on how they wish i could nanny their kids so they could take that control home with them (or, i guess, so -i- can take that control into their home...?)
but... i'm just not sure. when we have a kid.. i can imagine getting really frustrated and like... throwing them in and letting them drown until they figure out they have to kick to stay afloat. i'm sure it won't go quite like that... but i worry my need for perfection will be projected onto my children. and i don't want to be like that. i want them to be free to be who they are. i'd rather them NOT worry about always doing the most right, best at everything.
but at the same time... my drive comes from doing the best at everything...
ahhh. i talk like i'm about to have one.
years. and years. like 8, probly.
this is probably boring to most. i've been teaching swimming lessons for like 9? years... tomorrow may be my last day! (and then it's 1 month until we're married!) (but that has nothing to do with swimming lessons.)
hair? maybe? with a flower or two... a little more natural curly looking?

don't leave me charlie :(

wedding crises averted

now. do these dresses look like the same dress to you? the same color?
well, it's because they aren't. take a close look. the one on the left is the real thing. it's a nice gray color. the one of the right is a knock-off. from topbridaldresses.com (i hope this comes up in a google search so girls won't order from them!) it's silver. thick straps. no tag. knock-off. i talked to the owner of a boutique in little rock. and she said that it's happened to at least 6 other girls who have come into her shop crying because they all ended up with knock-offs from the internet. but we're in the process of trying to get money back... and we worked out a solution that i am happy with.

next issue: invitations. aren't they pretty! until you flip them over and see "peace, love and joy" in bright blue block letters! but vistaprint apologized and is replacing them. thank you vistaprint! you honest people!

wedding planning is harder than i thought. i haven't been enjoying it this whole time, but i think now with 2 major problems solved, and the wedding quickly approaching (42 days!) i'm getting increasingly excited! (and more laid back about decisions :))

i start round 2 of swimming lessons tomorrow. 2 weeks ago i had 5 kids. now i have 17! yay! much thanks to the moms who were walking advertisements for me. charlie's coming tomorrow! yay! i need him. i really need him. i miss him so much.. it's been hard being apart for so long (i didn't think it would be an issue since we did it for a year... (10 years, what?) but it has been hard!) i have lots of plans for our time together! :) booberry picking, ring shopping, maybe a treasure hunt for the state park we happened upon 2 years ago... johnny's ice cream, the big oak tree, pre-marriage counseling, etc. it'll be packed, but i can't wait!

hurry charlie! hurry!

Old Testament Style

At church yesterday, Tim spoke about the great commandment and the great commission. In order for us to really understand the great commandment, he gave us an historical account of a Hebrew engagement.
First, the man would travel to the woman's father, present him with a covenant of his intentions (how he would provide for her, etc) and then they would agree on a payment. If they both found this agreement acceptable, they would drink a glass of wine to "seal the deal". Then, the bridegroom would return to his Father's house for an unknown amount of time to prepare a home for her.
The bride's job was to prepare herself... to purify herself, to do beauty treatments, to make sure she was ready for him when he returned for her... because she had no indication of when he would return to get her. 1 month? 3 months? 2 years? But when he did, she had to be ready. And she knew he would follow through... she knew he would return for her. He made a covenant with her Father.
There are certain holes in this analogy, but I think Charlie and my engagement is very Hebrew. He came to my father, presented his intentions, payed him in crawfish and oranges :), and then returned to his Father's house to prepare a place for us. He's worked hard at preparing our place. Worked on the lot himself, had the city put in our culvert, made us a lovely driveway, and shopped for the house we will make a home. He has plans for landscaping our lot. And I am here in Arkansas, feeling like I have no clue when he will return, but knowing I must be ready for the best, most life-changing, hardest decision I will ever make--to marry my love. I want to be ready for this change, and I want to be beautiful for him (although, you won't find me doing facials and whateverelse they used to do in the Old Testament...)
This picture was especially powerful to me because I am living it. Obviously this picture is of the greater Bridegroom and his Bride, the church.
We don't know when he will return... but we know he is committed to us... he is preparing a home for us (the BEST home). But we must be ready... we must act as the body and invite others into this life-changing engagement.

Anyway, I wanted to share that and share a picture of my two favorite men :)

wedding woes

well... i've been planning and planning along. it's approximately 53 days until the wedding (yay!)

sometimes i get nauseous thinking about how much weddings cost (or how much you're expected to spend...?) people are starving and i'm spending how much on chairs? but it's a celebration that only happens once, and i'm glad to honor the people who have been important parts of our lives.

my woe of today, however, deals with the lovely ladies who are my bridesmaids. earlier this year i went to a wedding show with risa and mrs. annie... and we watched a show with wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses... and i found one i LOVED. but i didn't know who made the dress or where to find it, but as i began my online search for the perfect dress, i found it on the first website i looked at... and then i knew it was fate. so i asked my girls to get them.

however... i felt guilty asking them to spend $180 + tax + shipping fees... so we looked online until we found a website with the best deal.

little did we KNOW why it was such a "great deal". My little sister just got hers in and i began to examine it. it was... the wrong color (and we even spoke to someone from the website about ordering the right color...) it was a different fabric. the straps... didn't look right. wait... there was no tag... it was shipped from china with no return information... there was no jewel on the neckline... and the rouching was all wrong. then (why it took so long to realize, i'm not sure) but it hit me. it's a knock off. i compared it to leslye's (who managed to get an original) and it is most certainly wrong.

so now, what do i do? 2 girls have real ones. 4 girls have knock offs. they should be refunded! it's not right that they advertised for the real thing, and sent a fake. they may not match (although they're all going to send theirs to me so i can see how off they are). but i'm quite frustrated. there's not really time to get all real ones... and i can't ask them to all spend more anyways.

ugh. uuuuugh. *mean bridezilla noises*
the end.

engagement pics

i only bought the copyright to two of them... so these are the only ones you get to see. but i really like both of them! yay! 73 days!

My little sister graduated! I've been home for about a week now, and i've had a great week with lots and lots of family. :) on friday everyone came to russellville to celebrate stacy! susan's here, aunt karen, and then aunt joyce, uncle pete, aunt ann and uncle david, season, matthew, and sophie all came for a fun afternoon!
i'm so proud of my sister and can't wait to see what all the Lord has for her in the upcoming years. i know it will be good, wonderful, and influential things. i believe she's called to bring the truth of God to people... truth that he's going to burn onto her lips (isaiah 6)
anyway... i'm loving being home. i got to meet with the wedding planner and get a lot done... i now have a wedding dress (and it's so pretty! although i WILL have t get some spanx... haha) *sigh* it just feels so right being here. i'm ready for a fantastic summer!
(ps... chagee... i miss you!)

eek!

ladies and gentlemen.
today. is my last. day. of work. ever.
:)
yep. EVER.


until this summer when i teach swimming lessons.
and then until the fall when i am forced to work in order to eat and have electricity.
and then probably until i have a baby.
but you better believe... when i have a baby... no more.
none of this... work... stuff.

i kid, i kid.

but i AM VERY excited that this is my last day at the hospital. it's been... challenging... and stretching... and rewarding.
one concept i have been pondering a lot lately is character.
we do the right thing because it's the right thing... not because we get something out of it. (although it's always nice when we ARE rewarded for doing the right thing... but that is NOT why we do it.) but it's made me think.. from a worldly standpoint... that makes no sense. so why do we do it? and how do we just -know- something is the right thing, when there are no obvious benefits from it? what makes something intrisically good.. or right? and how do we instinctively KNOW?
i think YOU know the answer to this one... :)
charlie and i watched a rob bell sermon yesterday called "all things are spiritual"... it felt like i was back at jbu. he did a fabulous job of tying faith and reason together... and it's something i deeply believe in. just because we think science is saying one thing and our faith is saying something different, it doesn't mean that they conflict. it just means we have a limited 2-dimensional type view. his example was a 3D hand passing into a 2D world. it wouldn't look like a hand... it would look like 5 circles of different diameter that enter at different times because of finger length discrepencies. one of us 2D persons may say "you know... i just sense that it's something more than that... i think it's a hand!" but without some sort of faith or revelation... no one else is going to see a hand. they're going to call 2D #1 a crazy person. but it doesn't mean he is.. it just means he's seeing in another dimension (which... btw.. scientist agree that there's at least like -9-... probably angels live in some of those...) Gosh... it was so good. he also talked about how man's place in the world is the converging point between the spiritual and the physical. it was beautiful. we have God the creator who breathed into the physical dust and gave us his essence. ugh! i wish i were better at articulating!

in other news... i'm getting married! yay! charlie and i took our engagement pictures! i'm checking on copyright and all that... but you have to see them! they're -beautiful-. she did a fantastic job. i will try to post at least one when i figure out how legal it is :) i'm kind of scared i have NO rights to them (or will have to pay $450 for legal rights to them like i'm pretty sure i found on her site?) (uhhh... poor stephanie and charlie who will own 0 photos of themselves.) (and we were going to send one to everyone in their invitation! but... if we have to pay $15 for each 4x6... we sadly, will not.)

i think it's like 85 days until the wedding. *sigh*

if you've read this far... you're quite impressive. many of you have told me you have a hard time posting.. if so... try posting with explorer instead of firefox.. or try enabling your cookies. those are the 2 maybe-fix-its i found online.

okay... i guess i should get back to my last 2 hours of work! (ever)

i've had a lot on my mind lately. and i seem to have a snowball effect... when i have a lot on my mind it opens doors to other things and then i have increasingly more and more stuff rolling around in my head.
all this wedding stuff has me thinking about american consumerism. it makes me so sad for the culture we've built here of "i deserve this, and i deserve it now." but it comes at the cost of debt and non-responsibility. and it comes with the thought that we don't have to work our way up... we can all start at the top. i believe we call that -entitlement-. i'm very okay with the thought that i start off with a trailer and ugly used furniture and our used vehicles and eating ramen noodles and eggs and fish charlie catches for a few years. and the veggies he grows. i'm okay with not having the best of the -best- at 22 years old.
we're going to WORK for what we get. and that is going to give us an appreciation for what we have. why do i want to start off with thousands and thousands of dollars in debt? it's limiting. it will resrtict what charlie and i can or cannot do.
someone even suggested to me that i take out a LOAN to provide alcohol for my wedding. riiiight.
i'm frusterated at the state we're in.
and it KILLS me that i heard a christian i know say that the swine flu must be God's judgment on mexico. UGH. don't get me started on that. first of all... i don't really think that God's into that whole judgment thing (for now) (one day, but not now.) because of a little someone i like to call JESUS. some things just happen because God set up order on the earth. some things like disease just happen because we live in a fallen world. we have governments who can't (or won't?) provide healthcare for its people. (all of its peple.) but when i look in the Bible.. for instance at the plagues God sent to the egyptians... it wasn't on the poor/oppressed israelites... the plagues were on the oppressors. they went to the king, himself. do YOU think swine flu is killing ANYONE rich or in power? do a little research.
i would suggest that maybe we need the heat turned up on us a little. and you know, i wouldn't even really say it's because of " those crazy liberals" in office... or because some states are trying to pass gay marriage (which i DO believe breaks God's heart)... but no. i don't believe people who don't know his way or his truth can be judged for not understanding his way or his truth (there are consequences, yes... because the truth and order God set up... His principles are always the way that works. they are always our best option. things in opposition to it have consequences) but i think only christians are held to the standard for now.
God is about redemption. and no one is past the redeemable stage. no one. nothing. it's His heart and His purpose. i'm tired of american christianity. ego-centric. demanding.
no thank you.
God's way is bigger. so much bigger.

no bride-zillas allowed.

okay. so the engagement pictures and story will soon come, but i feel like i need a little wedding-planning vent.
already...?
so i've gotten mixed reactions about the engagement. well, no. i take that back. -every- person has been really excited and asked to see the ring and tells me how pretty it is and how sweet and perfect the proposal was (which is allll true.) they ask me how long we've been together (which is complicated because it's somewhere between a very "official" 1.5 years to a less official 2... to an actual 10.5). but anyhow. then the question comes.
"well, i know it's early, but have you set a date?"
to which i reply "august 8th" and then wait for the response:
"you -really- think you're going to plan a wedding in 3 months? are you crazy?!"
"are you pregnant? i mean... there's nothing WRONG with that... but... ARE YOU?"
"wooooow. that's... ...fast."
"oooh. okay. wait. you mean this year?"
etc.
i didn't think much of it when we finally decided on the day. it's the simplest way. i feel like that date BEST accomplishes our purpose. it's convenient... it's not during school... and frankly. we've been talking about getting married for about 2 years now... and i'm just tired of talking about it. i want to BE married to Charlie Loup. i want to be his wife and wake up with him next to me. i want to come home to him in the evenings and fall asleep with him on the couch and then go to bed with him. i want to do our grocery shopping with him. i want to know him the way you can ONLY know someone when you live with them. i -need- more time with him. i just... can't get enough.
why should i have to justify all of this?
why should there be this stigma that the only reason you'd have a quick engagement is because you're pregnant? WHY have weddings turned into this BIG production where you try to impress you guests with how elaborate they are...? why is it okay that wedding planning books TEACH you how to become a bridezilla?
why can't we go back to the original intention? why can't we go back to the VOWS and the true heart of the ceremony? it's to cause two to become one. it's to surround yourself with those people most important to you. it's... ugh.
why is this becoming about $100/head meals and whether or not i can afford to give every guest an amazing present and if it's tacky or not to reuse the ceremony chairs for the reception chairs...? WHY?
PLEASE help me stay accountable to my ideals. i want it to be simple... stripped down to the basics. i want this to be a fun process... one that truly reflects charlie and my relationship... and one that will only bring us closer together.

you probably all know by now...
and pictures are soon to follow..
but i am the future mrs. charles wilson loup, jr!
this makes me very happy.

i'm feeling quite fortunate

between the years of 1938 and 1971 thousands of women were administered an estrogen-type drug to help prevent miscarriages. Although previous research concluded that the drug could have detremental effects, it was not officially stopped by the FDA until 1971, when researches concluded its effects.
by then, we had an entire generation of DES daughters and sons.
my grandmother took this chemical, and as a result, my mother and aunts are DES daughters.
i was speaking with an employee today and asked her about her family. the conversation led to the fact that she was unable to have children because of her mom taking DES. she said she had gone to the Mayo clinic (i'm pretty sure) and they told her she was actually just lucky to be alive, but would never be able to bear children.
i suddenly felt so lucky... maybe i should say -blessed-... to be alive... to have cousins... to have aunts who are all still alive.
admittedly, we have had certain related DES problems, but nothing so bad as the compltete inability to bear children or death.
i suddenly feel God's hand in all of our lives... His grace to us in spite of man's ignornace.

the lake

i'm so booooored.
in fact, i'm so bored i can't even come up with anything interesting to say.
maybe if i start typing something will come to me.
at 2 i have a meeting with administration at work. they had a pilot program where "team members" could submit ideas pertaining to hospital improvements. i submitted a couple of ideas, and they called me to ask if i could come to a meeting with people in charge of implementing my idea to talk with them about it.
the pickle i find myself in NOW, is that i have no idea which (or even the specifics of WHAT) idea they want me to discuss. hopefully they'll just read the idea off to the pros and i won't really have to say anything. but what do you bet they say, "welcome stephanie. why don't you share your idea with all of us." and then i stammer and stutter and say "umm... i don't remember what it was...?" i'm sure that will be the real selling point i try to harp on. hah. but maybe not. i'm leaving here in around 4 weeks anyway. that's not enough time for them to ruin my career here at the lake.
you know, this entry level job has taught me so much. being a woman, who feels like she deserves some respect, i... i find myself really feeling some bitterness toward the uppity top-ranked boss-type people. and... i'm not sure what it is. maybe if they felt approachable. or if they took time to learn names...? OR. if they would EVER. do a simple thing for themselves.
i understand that i am here to get things done for people. and i don't mind. for people with good attitudes. but many times, by the time they explain to me (or someone else) what they want me to do... they could have done it themselves. twice. or when they approach me with a "why didn't you do this" attitude, and i've already made a call to have it taken care of... ugh.
i've always seen myself someday taking some kind of leadership role. i hope i'll always remember working here and be able to translate that into how i treat people who are entry-level.
moms who never had the chance to go to school.
grandmothers who take so much pride in what they do.

EDIT: and remind me again why the people who always complain about HOW MUCH they have to do, always have the most time to sit around and tell people about how much they have to do?

"why would the Lord raise up a Christian nation only for it to fall."

i have so many issues with this statement i may implode.

come on louisiana....!

soo... i do. i understand why, when faced with hurricane-force winds, the state shuts down. i can be somewhat understanding of why every stoplight in the 500,000strong city of baton rouge is down and we have to pretend like we live in the age of pre-electricity and 4-way-stop-it.
but really? a little thunderstorm?
you'd think we were hit by a hurricane last night. whyyy doesn't a hurricane-prone state have better stoplights? and power... connections...? i don't understand.
and don't get me started on pigs feet, tails, lips, and intestins. seriously.

going home this weekend! yay!
i'm trying to think if anything extraordinary has happened recently... and i can't think of much.
work at the hospital is going fine...
i'm very much looking forward to my quitting date, though (which is actually somewhat yet to be determined.)
i love charlie...
last weekend we went crawfishing. i'll post pictures soon.
we were SUPPOSED to go frogging, but we got rained out.
we also had a loup-family crawfish boil. there were a LOT of crawfish. pernkin decided she didn't like them anymore though.
what else?
my heart is stirring... in an exciting and scary way.
yeah.
if you're readint this i probably miss you and love you

the season of lent is officially upon us.

the season of lent is officially upon us.
now.. ever since high school i have enjoyed doing lent. i feel like it prepares me for easter and is just an overall good time for reflection on what it really meant for Christ to do what he did (not -just- the crucifixion... but you know, what the crucifixion DOES for us... for the world.. how it reverses death and brings redemption.) but anyway... i know we are to be conscious of those things all year... but i like to do it.
i even went to the ash wednesday service the last few years of college. i thought i would really kick off my absolution from chocolate, sweets, or makeup.
and now i live in southern louisiana where it is catholic country. i even work at a catholic hospital. so i thought i would continue my lenton tradition and give something up/take something on and maybe even go to the hospital's ash wednesday service. (ps... i was GOING to wait until the 6pm service since i got off at 7... that way i wouldn't have the ashes all day.)
however... around noon, a cute little priest came by offering ashes... i ran into him in the hall, and he offered them to me. "of course!" i said enthusiastically. he then said “you are dust and unto dust you shall return,” and marked a very distinct ash cross on my forehead.
then it started.
the jokes, "hey stephanie... you've got something on your forehead..."
the serious questions, "what's on your head...?"
the concerns, "did you know you have ink all over your face?"
the solemn catholic cohort, "i need to get my ashes. do you know what times they are offering them?"
and then there were just the plain 'ole awkward stares.
i have never been so aware of my forehead. nor did i realize that -others- could be so aware of my forehead.
i thought i lived in the most catholic area of the states... but only 2 other co-workers received ashes. and i was surprised by how many people didn't know what they were.
i ALSO had many comments from people who "didn't know [i] was catholic."


Oh my dear JBU, thank you for allowing me to be my non-denominational, charismatic self and still enjoy the tradition of centuries past.

sooo... i haven't blogged in a while.

and february is almost finished.
today my job was okay...
tomorrow the state of louisiana shuts down for fat tuesday.
i guess i should decide if i'm doing something for lent. i like to.
i wish i were brave enough to go to the ash wednesday service in the hospital.
but i'm not very catholic so i don't know how to blend in.
i'm in love :)
i don't know what to do about school. i'm even now considering distance learning.
going at it slowly...
finding a nanny...? job in the meantime...?
i probably won't last at the hospital.
and there is a masters program in colorado that would be awesome.
but that would require moving.
speaking of recipes, i wish i had enough time and ingredients to cook them.
OH. and andrew bird's new album noble beast is -amaaaazing-.

so i'm being a bad employee and blogging at work. i'm not supposed to say this because it'll jinx the day, but today has been a nice, steady (read: slow) day. it's been good. i appreciate slow, since most days i don't breath until 2 or 3 when i make time for myself to eat lunch. well, there's normally not TIME, but i'll get fed up and just go.
anyways... today i did a little bit of university-shopping and emailed a few more professors about going back to school in the fall. i am -really- looking forward to it. i love the whole routine of school... the hours, the learning, where it gets you. i love nutrition. and i believe i will be a good dietician. maybe i'll even be able to work out of my home, or have my own counseling business. i'm excited about the prospects.
i have been thinking a lot about politics, lately. and i earnestly believe that as Christians, we are called to a different set of political convictions. these convictions canNOT be based on our country of origin, but rather the kingdom to which we now belong. this kingdom has a different set of ideals (along with a very different president). and our citizens are very different than any other country, because they live everywhere, and belong to every type of ethnicity, family, generation, and culture. and we value and love EACH as our neighbor.
this kingdom cannot be encapsulated in the republican party and its anti-abortion notions.. it's much larger than that. it can also not be brought to fruition through one man (obama). it is going to take all of us submitting to the Son of God... the Son of Man. and loving each other with the deep love that only he can bring.

too much.

i've got a lot swimming around in my head, lately.
like why do i still think the picture i chose for my banner at the top of this page is funny? (or at all endearing.)
or... the hundreds of challenging (and sobering) things i read in shane claiborne's book "the irresistible revolution". things i didn't really plan on coming into and interrupting my pleasant, comfortable little life. but things that will certainly make it harder, more adventurous, and most definitely more fulfilling.
or i'm thinking about... hard things. dark things that i wish... just weren't a part of the broken, messed up world we live in.
or... about how what we reap what we sow. how i'm glad i've worked hard and not gossiped at work... and how thankful i am God is giving me favor through that... but how just because i work hard and try to stay out of trouble doesn't mean trouble won't find me... or there won't be people who -really- really -really- hate me.
i believe i am overwhelmed with too many thoughts right now to make a good, coherent post. i think i'll have to process a little more and maybe make several posts that are more focused.
these things always help me process, so i hope i'll actually come back and do it later when i've got a little more time.
for now :) i need to get up in only 8 short hours, so i'm going to sign off for now.

Punkin!

so... we adopted a dog on Saturday, and I attempted to photo-document the event. however, i got kind of excited at a few pivitol points, so it's not MUCH of a documentary... but for those of you who haven't met her yet (or probly won't get to meet her for a while...) here she is! our little Punkin.








i didn't want to get up at first. darn charlie for being such a morning person.


destination: sulfur, louisiana. four paws on the bayou pet rescue and hotel. i forgot to document the part with our actual destination. but here she is! i was going to sit next to her in the backseat since she was nervous... but she kept crawling into my lap... so i just let her sit on my lap in the front seat. (ps... she's HUGE. her little bunnybutt was hanging over into the console.



i let her sit with me until she tried to eat my chicken sandwich, the little fatty.



she was stinky, hairy, and sticky. so we gave her a goooood brushing (she's quite hairy.) and then we gave her a b-a-t-h. she handled it pretty well.. and now she smells much better. she also hid under charlie's bed for a while...? not sure if she was scared of the flash on my camera...? or just nervous about the whole situation...? well. we're pretty sure she's nervous since she keeps doing number 2 inside the house, poor poochie. well... maybe poor charlie. :)



sorry the pictures are a little out of order. i'm still getting use to this whole blogspot thing.

but here she is! poodleflufffluff dolli punkin!