I think I must appear fickle.

I say I’m going to do something… and then… I don’t.

Something happens. I don’t follow through.

My life, in some aspects, keeps not going where I want it to go or think it should go. I don’t feel like it’s a problem of commitment. I commit myself to something, and it feels like that something keeps falling apart underneath me. Like I leap onto an iceberg only to feel it slowly melt.

“I’m going to nursing school”

fail.

“I’m going to get a dietetics degree at lsu”

fail.

It makes me scared for the future. “I’m going to get a masters degree in dietetics.”

What’s to say that won’t be another fail? There’s like 150 steps between here and there.

I have to get a job once this semester is over. I don’t want to. I felt –so- suffocated at the hospital. Suffocated because of the hours and because of the structure and because I couldn’t take off when I wanted to. Suffocated because I have a college degree and can’t find a real job. Suffocated because of the thought that I’ll never get to where I’m trying to go. Suffocated because of everything that job meant I wasn’t. Being treated like… I was uneducated and incapable. Suffocated because it was the best thing I could find.

I don’t want to search for another job. I don’t want to be another secretary. I need challenge. I need autonomy. I need freedom. I need creativity. I need to use my brain. I need to feel like a contributing member of society.

i keep hearing over and over again "whether you eat or drink (or work or study) or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God.