my greatest fear come true...

i have this reoccurring nightmare. and by nightmare, i mean i wake up in a cold sweat, my heart beating 300 beats per minute... and subsequently can't fall back asleep unless i turn my light on. i've had this nightmare many times, and it's occurred in the setting of almost every residence i've lived at. the dream is watching someone plot and then break into my home. normally i catch them staring in the window at me, and i always know it's coming. i see them looking for the place they want to break in at, and can't do anything about it. i don't think they've ever actually robbed me or hurt me... it's just the scare. it's knowing someone is in my house that shouldn't be there.

and last night, i came closer than ever to this nightmare. i woke up at 3am to a loud pounding on the door. at first i thought i was dreaming, but then i'd hear it again. my heart started pounding. i shook charlie. he didn't wake up (heck... why did -i- wake up? i took a sleeping pill! AND was wearing EAR PLUGS!!) but the pounding continued, so i kept trying to wake charlie up. finally he did and rolled out of bed to see what was going on. i felt paralyzed and all i could do was pray in tongues.

i heard him yell "hey what's up buddy" out the door, and then go down the stairs and close the door. 3 in the morning? seriously? what does someone need at 3 in the morning? i finally got over my paralysis and rolled out of the bed. i tried to sneak a peak out the front door window and saw charlie was just chatting it up with a middle-aged fellow. but i was very scared. for charlie... for myself. i really didn't want our visitor to see me, so i snuck past the window and went to check on pernky. she was shivering so badly. the pounding had frightened her, too.

a few minutes later (felt like 15?) and charlie trudged back inside. put on his coat and said "he ran out of gas. i'm taking him to the gas station." all i could think to say was, "are you scared?" he said no and left.

i'm not proud of this, but fear is something i've dealt with since i was really little. and when charlie left, my fear -really- set in. i started thinking of every possible bad thing that could happen. charlie getting robbed or killed. someone else breaking into our house while charlie was gone. i even got up to check that all the doors were locked. my mind was completely focused on me. i watched the minutes pass on my phone. it was a terrible 15 minutes. finally i heard God say "join me in what i am doing." it was a reminder of what he had spoken to me just the other day. so i calmed down and prayed until i heard charlie walk through the door.

he was fine. the guy was back on the road (although he was a little concerned about how much the guy had been drinking...) it took us both a while to fall back asleep.

but i've been thinking. why do i let fear control me? what a great opportunity to help someone out. isn't that what life is about? why do i need to assume others just want to harm me or my husband? i ask for situations like these, but i rarely act on them because i am too afraid! and in this case, i was afraid for nothing. i lay there like pernky.. shaking and petrified. as if i'm this helpless victim of consequences. i forget who my Daddy is.

home home!

home home i'm going home!!

:)

tomorrow! but what will i do without my charlie for 4 whole days?

in other news... i got my wedding photos back. they are -beautiful-!

here's a few favorites:

group projects

i am a very bad team-member. not because i'm not willing to do my part... i love to do my part. but it's more because i care more about my grade than my partner... so i do it all myself. because i know i will complete it. and i know i will do a good (enough) job.
i presently find myself in an awkward situation. we had a group project in one of my classes this semester, and it was a very big one. after the first couple of weeks and my partner wouldn't respond to emails, wouldn't look over the work i had done, showed up to meetings 30 minutes late... and came unprepared, i gave up. i hate conflict, so it was just easier to do myself.
i held back comments when she proudly stated that all of her other friends were freaking out about the project and it so wasn't a big deal (because i had been freaking out, too.) i let it slide when she said she was mad at me for demanding her recipe hand-out the day the project was due because -she didn't know it was due!-
however, today was our final in the class. our teacher was handing back our graded projects and said there were 2 groups she needed to meet with separately because of unequal team-work. whoops. and since i never mentioned all my pent-up frustration to my partner... she has no clue. (but should i really have to ask my partner IN COLLEGE to participate?) so now we have to MEET with my teacher about this. huh. and my partner decided that it couldn't be about team-work... it must be about something else. i am very frustrated, but at the same time, i kind of hope this whole problem just goes away :/
but seriously. it was a 20-something page project. and she did 4. 4 pages. out of 23? i am very frustrated

finals

after this many years of being in school, i have _mastered_ finding ways to not study.

simply having a wonderful christmastime

i don't think i quite realized how dependent i am upon certain things.
dependent for purpose.
dependent for happiness.
dependent for fulfillment.

even some silly simple things like traditions.
or routine.

and then suddenly.. they're all gone.

i'm no good with change.

congratulations!

this year has been a year of changes and celebrations.

1. lovie graduated from high school and started at JBU!
2. susie graduated with her PhD and was offered 3 jobs! she's working for the aurora public school system! and al finished his nursing degree and impressively got a job in an ICU unit!
3. charlie and i got engaged and... married! we successfully planned a wedding! i also started working toward my goal of being a dietitian by going back to school!
4. mom went a whole summer without needing surgery :) (sorry mom... no more surgeries for you!)
5. dad completed a large portion of his PhD thesis (book) and got promoted (yesterday!) to "all but degree" status! (that means they know he's "doctor" quality! he just needs to finish it!)

(and with my new loup family, too!
charlie and my marriage, risa and judah's marriage, and nic and crystal's baby foxy. it's an eventful year all around!)

oddly enough, with all these changes, we're all looking forward to more changes. all of us will probably move within the next 3 or so years. stacy will graduated again... al will get into nurse anesthetist school... they'll probably have a baby in 3 years, too :) (Hopefully!) charlie will graduate ;) and (hopefully!) i'll get into a masters program somewhere? and mom and dad will move to the city where dad gets a job!

i really miss my family. i hope we'll all soon be in a place where we live close or can visit more often. it's exciting to me that in all of our different stages of life, God is still working in us and through us and bringing us to new places.

honesty...

hey wendy! thanks for the nomination... i'm not sure how interesting this will be. i'm normally pretty terrible at coming up with lists about myself. but let's see... probably the more honest i am, the more interesting this will be...?

1. back in the day when i was in college... at all of my ilead director retreats, we had to come up with these sort of lists. mine were generally boring except when i would impulsively throw in something stupid like "i wish i were tyra banks." whoops? i can't help it that i'm drawn to tall women. they understand my plight in life.

2. i wish people would stop having babies or talking about babies. seriously. how many pregnancy tests can a girl go through? i'm seriously paranoid.

3. charlie and i -really- love our pets. like reallyreally. we sing a song about punkin to the tune of "apple bottom jeans"... called "hoggy-bottom pernk". and today we gave pernkin the scientific name "hoggybottomous poopsiana britanicaa." i mean... we don't study scientific names on our way to school every friday or anything...

4. i've always hated nature because i don't get along with it very well. i must have the blood volume of a pregnant lady (See! another reason to be paranoid!) because mosquitos are innately attracted to me. i could be standing next to charlie and have 12 of them swarming and biting me... and charlie? nothin. every night before bed, i run around the house and smash all the mosquitos that snuck in on the walls and ceiling. it infuriates charlie. but i can't sleep knowing they're drinking my blood and buzzing in my ear. BUT, despite my hatred of bugs, i LOVE living in a little trailer in the country. i hope to find a job on our side of the river so i can keep my life small-towned. i like it.

5. i am addicted to sugar. and when i say addicted... i mean if i resist eating something sweet long enough, chances are i will break and then binge on it. i believe this is called "related disordered eating." well done for the girl who wants to be a nutritionist. at least i will understand people if we talk about diet changes...?

6. i still cry when i get to missin' my mommy. (like every week. ask charlie.)

7. i -love- to cook... and HATE to clean up my mess. HATE. poor charlie. i'm a very messy cook because i like to experiment.

8. i think about children in other parts of the world pretty much every day. i remember the faces i saw in the garbage dump in nicaragua... the kids in la carpio... the girls in thailand. it brings me severe guilt for doing nothing to help them.

9. i want to foster/adopt. we want a big family. with lots of love. giving opportunities to kids that may not have had them. i would also -really- like to start an orphanage somewhere. i know charlie and i will travel and hopefully really help communities with nutrition and agricultural related issues. it makes me antsy. who knows how long we'll have to wait?

10. i love musicals. 7 brides for 7 brothers? christmas gift please?! haha charlie and i are going to see an hansel and gretle opera this weekend! yay! i think musicals of any sort require a lot of brilliance to put together.


the rest of the rules....
1. Must thank the person who gave you the award and list their blog and link it.
2. share 10 honest things about yourself...
3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

now my nominations? umm?
1. leslye. you'll say something crazy.
2. melissa. you neverever update. and i love you.
3. susan! i know you do daily things, but you could stand a change of pace?
4. charlie! please? update.
5. molly and her big-city stories..? maybe?
6. amy... you should consider restarting your blog! please?
i don't know. no one updates anymore. i miss my xanga.