chains

Tonight we kicked off our year of women's ministry at church.

Ohmy gracious. It was so good.

During worship--the Holy Spirit was THERE. With us in the room. When we were singing "there is power in the name of Jesus" I just saw this picture of people being... well... so creatively... in chains. And it was like Satan had put a lock in the loops of the chain and said, "well. that's that! they'll never get out." And I saw the people that I work with/for. Those in mental health crises. Those who have been there over and over again. Those who aren't getting better. Those who they say, "there's no fixing that" about.

But then I saw the chains falling. The enemy doesn't have the final say. He can't say "well that's that." He doesn't have that authority.

A month or two ago, (actually when I was still working at Villa) my mom said she saw me laying hands on people I work with. Having encouragement and God's healing to offer. Well. I think that's for this job I didn't even know I was going to have. I'm praying that God will give me clarity and wisdom about to whom I should minister to more than the standard dignity, respect and personalized care I try to show each of them.

So basically I had goosebumps for the entire time we were worshiping. (I'm honestly not exaggerating).

Megan shared the word tonight about going deeper with God. I want that. Being comfortable is never a good thing to be. (Not that I'm terribly comfortable in life right now as you may have picked up from previous posts), but deeper with God. I think it all ties in together. I think that really praying and really seeking God about who and where and when to show God's compassion at work--and to maybe allow him to speak prophetically through me at times--I think getting the focus off of me would be really good. Having one hand hanging on to Jesus, and one hand reaching out to help someone else.

It was just an awesome time.

Getting sleepy. Although I had to spit out the melatonin I bought today because IT HAS GLUTEN IN IT!

Hopefully I'll blog some more tomorrow.

hard

I'm watching AJ play in her bouncer right now. She is really growing up fast. Once we got to 3 months, things just took off with her developmentally. Now she can sit up by herself (of course surrounded by mommy or daddy or pillows). She's experimenting with cantaloupe in this cool little mesh pouch that prevents choking. She's happy and interactive. This is a very fun age. I -kind- of think she's the cutest baby of all time. But I know my perspective is a little skewed.

I went back to work 1-2 days per week at the state nursing home when AJ was about 10 weeks old. They really needed someone full-time though, so after a month or two, they hired a full-time RD who had been working up the street at the mental health hospital. Soooooo since I knew her boss, I emailed her to see if they were hiring part time. Lucky me! They were! So I trained the new RD for a week or two, then started at my new job the next week. It was such a smooth transition all the way around. Definitely the most confident I've ever been going into a new job. I feel like I know what I'm doing.

BUT. This new job is HARD. And when I say HARD, I mean HARD. The way their medical records are set up, I basically have to sort through everything to find the nutrition-information I need. (I'm sure I'll get better at it). But right now, I feel like I get slapped in the face over and over again 10 times a day with tragedy.

I work on the acute unit for people in mental health crises.

Raped. Molested as a kid. On drugs since they were 13. Alcoholic parents. 3rd admission to the facility. First child at age 15. Alcohol-> marijuana->cocaine->meth->mojo. Mental health issues since they were young. No work history. No education. No support. No solid relationships.

IT'S SO HARD. It feels like I'm too emotional to handle it. It's like when I pour over their chart, I'm reliving all the pain and hardship and tragedy they've been through. And it breaks me.

Where are you God? Where are you in their circumstances? In their pain? In their loss? In their... ...crazy? Where are you?

In some ways, this is harder for me to manage than the physical poverty I've seen. There's something about a poverty of spirit that is... so.... heart-wrenching.

On Thursday a girl asked, "Am I fixable? I don't think I'm fixable." (She drinks a 5th of vodka a day). The lady responded that yes, of course she was. But as soon as the patient left, she said, "She's not fixable. You can't fix that."

God, where are you?

It's so hard.

where have i been?

I haven't been blogging for a while. yes, I am a busy new 5-month-old mom, But it's something more. I wish I had better documentation of the first 5 months of AJ's life. They're the most wonderful months of my life. But they're also tainted by the hardest moments of my life. Things I have been extremely hesitant to talk about with anyone. Much less on my blog. (Even though I believe it's only a handful of people anyhow.)

But I DO want to write more because I enjoy writing. It helps me process. And I also really love to reflect. Charlie pointed that out to me. Somehow I didn't directly realize that about myself. (He made me the most wonderful timeline of our marriage for our anniversary last week).

SO. I have perinatal OCD. I never had OCD before. And it's not the check-the-locks-and-the-oven OCD either. Or the straightening pictures or washing hands or whatever else you think OCD HAS to be. Mine revolves around my thought life. Specifically since I've been pregnant and about AJ. Intrusive thoughts. If you want to google it, go ahead, but don't look too far because it's actually pretty disturbing. However, the main point is that the content of the thoughts doesn't matter. They're so horrible and scary that my fear of them actually perpetuates the thoughts. I'll say "goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway" but that just means I'm continually thinking about what it is I want to go away.

It's a long story, but God connected me with a doctor who specializes in this area. She thinks a lot of my physical condition has contributed. I have something called "dysautonomia"--I always referred to it as "my heart thing" in the past. It has to do with blood pressure and standing in place and it's connected to Celiac Disease which is all interlinked with nutrition and my nervous and immune systems and biology and hormones and blah. everything. (Our bodies are SO very interconnected. We don't give God enough credit for how integral each part is to each other part).

But I just did an exercise to help work on my fear-reaction. You set a time of day to worry. for 10-15 minutes. Until that specific time, if you have any trouble with thoughts, you just say, "I'll worry about it at ___ time." So I did that. And then the time came for my first "worry session". Can I tell you how silly it felt? To try to conjure up worry? To attempt to work myself up over something that has been tormenting me? It was disconnecting myself from the worry. I was in control, and suddenly it wasn't so scary.

I mean... I know really that GOD is in control. Some trust in horses. Some in Chariots. Most in ourselves. But we will trust in the name of our God. I've been working so hard to control the thoughts. I've been working triple-time to make sure that I control myself. I've got to figure this surrender thing out. I've got to figure out what it really means to trust God--and that He is good all the time.

It's not for lack of trying. The word God gave me for 2015 was "abide". To live, dwell, and remain at all times. It's my desire to Abide in God.

The people I work with are in the most dire situations. It's very hard for me to see God in their lives or circumstances. I have so much to learn. God, give me a learner's heart. Let me abide in you. Let me surrender all to you.

Family

I'm certain to offend some people with this post, but I'll put that up front. If you may get offended, or don't want to be offended by me, please don't read this. But this is too big of a deal to not blog about for my future reference. Keyword being MY.

So just a few days ago (I believe on 6.26), the supreme court made the decision to legalize gay marriage in the US. I deleted the Facebook app off of my phone because people are nuts. If I have to read one more post about how this is the gateway for pedophilia, I'm going to lose it. (Because 100% of known pedophile cases get locked up in jail and have to announce to their neighbors when they move into a neighborhood and 1 million other restrictions. And I'm thinking there's 0 things like that applied to gay relationships. The relationships were legal, only the status of marriage with its legal ramifications was not granted.)

I think what has bothered me the most about this whole debate is that Christians are saying that it's defiling marriage and defiling the family. Marriage is a religious institution.  I have a suggestion. Let the government no longer grant marriages. Only churches should. And let the government only issue civil unions. When I go to a wedding in a church with a priest and I know the couple doesn't have a relationship with God, I leave the service scratching my head. To me, this is part of the problem. If marriages are something created by God, then why do people outside of the church get married? Is it still a marriage if both parties aren't believers?

Furthermore, the church doesn't take marriage seriously. It's not treated with the sacredness it should be! This is OUR problem. If we want the world to respect marriage and consider it holy, then we better live in such a way that our marriages reflect that. But they don't. People should be able to look at our marriages and families and say that we're doing something right. Won't it be a big black eye on the church if gay marriages have a lower divorce rate than traditional evangelical marriages? I can see that happening because this is going to be a BIG DEAL for people to marry who have never been able to before, and I believe they're going to take it seriously.

I really feel that before we start hurling stones at people, we better take a good look inward.

In our world today with the highest number of human slaves in history and wars and murders and everything going on, I really don't feel that people WANTING to commit themselves to one another should be at the top of our list of horrors.

The family unit is terribly important. I think family is where Charlie and I will shine. But maybe we could attack things with action rather than pointed fingers.

hungry

So much I've been thinking about. There's been several times I've thought, "I need to blog about that" and then I forget.
I was able to see my mom, aunts, and a couple of cousins in Pensacola at the end of last week. It was WONDERFUL. A flying trip, but one I would take again in a heartbeat. Mom and I spent almost all day Friday at the beach. We took walks looking for seashells. We sat in the shade at the beach. And we took AJ to the pool for her first time in the water (other than a bath, of course).
AJ has been doing really well lately--I feel less fussy than she has been. But Friday was a fairly exhausting day for her (only 1 nap and LOTS of stimulation) and she was FIGHTING going to sleep.
So, as I was holding her and trying to give her the last evening feeding and she was screaming and yelling--I could just feel the presence of God. I could feel that I am just like her at times.

Yes, baby. I know you're hungry.
Yes, baby. I know you're so exhausted.
Yes, baby. I know!

And I held her close and I knew how safe she was. I knew that all of the emotions she was feeling that were spilling out of her were real--she WAS feeling hunger pangs and the wear-and-tear of exhaustion. But I was holding her and she was safe and the bottle was in her mouth and all she had to do was drink. And close her eyes and let me hold her and feed her.

14 weeks

AJ is a little over 14 weeks old! She's growing up so quickly!

We went up to Illinois and she got to meet Aunt Stacy and Uncle Alan, Caleb, and Asher for the first time. She LOVED watching her cousins play! She would just lay on the floor and watch them run around the room. Wherever they went, her eyes would follow. It was very sweet.

We had a really nice time. Hiking, talking, feeding babies, putting babies down for naps, hugging babies, and cleaning up toys that babies played with :)

When I came back home on Monday I felt refreshed. I realllllllllllllly wish I could have my whole family closer, but I AM very thankful that we have family close down here. Very thankful.

But that didn't stop me last night from making up a dream life where my dad gets a job at Healing Place school of ministry and they live down the street from us :/ And of course Susan (and family) and Stacy would magically move down here, too. Of course.

Sooooo right now AJ is probably working the hardest at bringing things she is holding to her mouth. And attempting to chew on them. She also rolls over from her belly to her back sometimes (typically when she's pretty awake and I lay her on her tummy.) She LOVESLOVESLOVES standing up. She loves it when we sing "AJ Loup-ty Loup" to her and make her dance. She also loves daddy's animal noises.

When I sing to her, I find myself always gravitating toward old Brookhill summer camp songs. "Sanctuary", "As the Deer", "Light a Fire", "Father, I adore you" etc. It's funny! I guess those songs are soothing to me and that's why they come to mind. AJ generally responds well to them.

She's wearing size 1 diapers. She sleeps 8-11 hours per night (although, for whatever reason, she seems to wake up in the middle of the night more often when Charlie has her...?) She also isn't napping great at Mimi's house, but Mimi went overboard and is making her a whole set-up nursery at her place to make AJ as comfy as possible over there. I'm very very grateful that Mimi is doing such much for AJ. It's allowing me to 1) go to work and 2) not worry when I'm AT work! That's just as big as being able to go! I know AJ is smothered with love all day! And I'm sure she'll get more and more comfortable over there and nap like she does over here. (or they'll just get into their own routine).

What else? It's terrible selfish, but I like it when AJ responds the best to me--feeding, sleeping, bathing, etc. Sometimes if Charlie can't get her to do something, I can. That's very selfish, I know. But I feel like it's a Mommy-right! Charlie does WAY more for and with her than I think a lot of men do--and I love that (and I know AJ benefits from it), but I do really like being her mommy. There's nothing else like it. (It's Father's Day tomorrow. Sorry Charlie!) (Obviously I'm wild about you, and AJ is, too!)

That's probably enough for now. Really, probably too much :) But that's okay. I think me and my mom are my only viewers.

thoughts on parenthood

This post is kind of long and heavy. SO. Here's a picture of AJ to lighten it a bit :)

Today I read an article about birth control. The writer talked about how it's a form of... pride. Like saying you know better than God when to have kids/how many kids to have, etc. The article talked about a woman who unexpectedly found out she was pregnant with her 7th child. She wasn't very excited when she found out--how would she provide (emotionally and financially) for another child? But she said she clung to God and his grace--and began to see it as a God-work.

"Pregnancy is a God-gift, a phenomenon of willingly giving up your body to be broken for another being so that they can have life."

I LOVE the concept. I really do. I love the idea of giving that completely to God and allowing him to shape and form our family.

But then that thought also TERRIFIES me. I'm not positive I completely believe it...? God has set up the earth to have actions--->consequences. So DOES that mean I should have as many kids as possible? From my own body?

I'm still thinking about all the children with no parents or bad parents or absent parents or abusive parents. At work, some nurses were talking about a new drug called "mojo" and they pulled up a couple of videos of people tripping on it. In one, there is a screaming baby in the background. Seriously? You're doing drugs and someone is filming you and NO ONE is taking care of the screaming baby? (Imean. I know sometimes AJ screams even when she is being taken care of. But I kind of doubt that was the case here). And then I heard another story about a grandmother who was trying to get custody of her 5 month old granddaughter. The 5 month old babygirl couldn't even lift her head she was so weak/neglected/malnourished.

I worry about being an adequate mother to AJ. I worry I'm not enough. I worry the worst of humanity will come out in me. I worry my impact on AJ is or will be negative or void. That she would somehow be better off without me.

Imean... I KNOW that isn't true... but it doesn't stop the fear.

Rabbit trail. Back to my original point. I AM a loving, nurturing mom. So should I have as many kids as possible from my own body? Or should I take some responsibility for those who are born and yet are parentless?

I'm not sure what the answer is--like many things, it may be different for different people and different circumstances. Maybe I'm still recovering from the brokenness pregnancy brought into my life.

This may sound like a negative post, and I don't mean it to. I LOVE AJ. I was worried about bonding with her, but it's been so much easier to love her than I imagined (before I met her). He grin makes me melt. She's started talking to me when she's nursing. She'll stare at me for a while, and then smile and then start coo-ing away. It's so special. And she's only been here 2 months and 18 days.

Wow. I have the TV on in the background and they just started talking about foster-care. I don't know. I don't know exactly where God will lead. I don't know how many of our children we will grow in my body or graft into our family.

Parenthood is awesome and an awesome responsibility. I want to do it right.

(Also. Apparently new moms are the target audience for day-time television because that's who all the commercial are targeted at).

AJ's birth story

wow it's been a while. Almost 3 months!
Obviously a lot has happened with the birth of our baby girl Arisa Jane Loup!
She was born March 4, 2015 at 9:15 pm--weighing 6# 14oz and 20' long. I had a great, uncomplicated labor and delivery. I was really worried about all of that, but it went so smoothly.

I was actually in labor at work that Wednesday morning, but I had a checkup scheduled for that afternoon, so I just hung in there. I was feeling nauseous, but I knew moms probably all feel yucky when they're basically at their due date. But when I went in to my OB, she checked me and I was 5cm dilated. So she sent me straight over to the hospital where they hooked me up and started an antibiotic and fluids. And pitocin. At this point, my contractions were naturally picking up, and with the addition of the pitocin, I asked for the epidural. Charlie headed over from Oscar when I called him from the Dr's office and told him we were having a baby! He got there just before they gave me the epidural. I guess I checked in around 2 or 3. Mrs. Annie came early, too.

The epidural was kind of scary. I could feel pin-pricks in different parts of my back and I kept jumping a little. The CRNA told me to stop jerking :) It worked pretty quickly, but I had a "hot spot" on my lower right abdomen where I could still feel contractions. They rolled me over to my side, but the hot spot didn't go away. I cried. Then, the CRNA came back and adjusted the needle. It worked! No more pain. (And apparently I'm one of the small percent of women who can still move their legs even though they're numb! That was kind of bizarre feeling).

Around 7:30-8? I got really nauseous and started throwing up. Right as PopPop and Risa came in. Nursing checked me and I was about 8-9cm dilated. They said sometimes throwing up means you're about to give birth. They were right! The doctor came  in shortly after, and I started pushing. 40 minutes later, AJ entered the outside world! Charlie was a champ, standing up by my head, holding my hand and helping me get in position to push. He didn't watch anything, but I told him I wouldn't want to watch it either, so that was a-okay with me. But all the nurses and doctor DID convince him to cut the umbilical cord.

The delivery was fairly uncomplicated. Just a small episiotomy and I had to be on oxygen while I was pushing.

AJ nursed so well that night. She was also extremely alert when PopPop, Mimi, Aunt Risi, Uncle Nic, Aunt Coco and Fox came in to meet her. She was wide-eyed and looking around at everything. It was wonderful having them all come to meet her. It really was. And all the staff commented on how great our family was--they were nice, calm, and stayed the perfect amount of time. Yay Loups! :)

Our stay in the hospital was good. (Although they had NO CLUE about a celiac diet!! No clue. They would ask me if I could eat what was on the tray. I even got one tray with a piece of bread on it. My meal ticket said "no bread".) But other than that, nursing staff was awesome. AJ's temp dropped a little the first night, so they kept her in an incubator to stay warm. They'd bring her to me to nurse. Other than that, they would just check on us, but let us rest and bond.

My parents came in Friday night and got to meet AJ. It's a special thing to introduce your daughter to your parents.

One strange thing. AJ was born on the coldest night--we even had sleet. So Charlie actually had to drive back and forth to Glynn a few times to check on his plants and keep everything from freezing. I'm sure it's these small things I'll eventually forget about, so I want to write them down for record.

I know that's probably way more than anyone wants to know. But maybe (hopefully) AJ will want to know about her birth one day and we'll be able to remember all the good details for her.

AJ. Mama loves you! Daddy does too of course. I wasn't sure how I would feel to meet you for the first time. But it was awesome. You were beautiful and perfect. It was emotional in all the right ways. I immediately felt connected to you. I like to think back on being pregnant with you and imagining you there with me. You WERE with me. But now it's fun because I KNOW you. We had 40 weeks of experiences together before we ever met. I love you, little girl.

Abide

I'm still thinking about my "word" for the year--ABIDE.

It's something I need to learn so badly. It's something I WANT so badly.

Psalm 27
A psalm of David.
1The LORD is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
2When evil people come to devour me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.
4The one thing I ask of the LORD—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
delighting in the LORD’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
5For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
6Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the LORD with music.
7Hear me as I pray, O LORD.
Be merciful and answer me!
8My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.”
9Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
10Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the LORD will hold me close.
11Teach me how to live, O LORD.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
12Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
13Yet I am confident I will see the LORD’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.
14Wait patiently for the LORD.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.


What I love about this scripture, is that the Temple--the sanctuary--the place he hides away with God, is NOT just a place of refuge. David says that he ABIDES there--and THEN when the day of trouble comes, he is safe. I want to abide in God at all times--not just when trouble comes.

I read a scripture today that really made me think about this concept--in terms of "rest". This comes from Hebrews 3:
"For who were those who heard and yet rebelled? Was it not all those who left Egypt led by Moses? And with whom was he provoked for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the wilderness? And to whom did he swear that they would not enter his rest, but to those who were disobedient? So we see that they were unable to enter because of unbelief."

They were unable to enter rest because of unbelief. Maybe as I study along this year my understanding of abiding will change--but I envision it as a type of rest (and peace and intimacy) in any situation. The Israelites were unable to reach a place of rest because of their unbelief. God, let it not be so about me!

They forced God to prove Himself over and over and over again for 40 years--swaying in between belief and unbelief like a pendulum. I know that God is who He says He is! He can do what He says He can do! I am who He says I am! I can do what He says I can do!

But finding that place of rest and abiding is dependent upon me living that out. Believing when my feelings and emotions aren't quite caught up yet.

As I get prepared to embark on the greatest change I will probably ever experience (adding AJ to our family) I know I will have ample time to practice these principles--to abide in God whether easy or hard, happy or sad, tired or wired, worried or rejoicing, feeling full of faith or doing it afraid.

names

I've been listening to some Beth Moore teachings on the names of God. She's just covered 3 so far--and she notes that the first time that particular name of God is used in the Bible signifies significance--the context is important and will tell us more about what that name for God means.

Elohim means the universal creator. Yahweh or Jehovah is the ineffable name of God. He's the great covenant-maker and covenant-keeper. Our LORD. Jehovah Heseenu--the LORD our maker.

I'm getting all the names mixed up, but something I've taken away from the teachings is that God needs nothing to exist or to create. He is who He is. When Moses saw the burning bush, it was so amazing to him because the bush wasn't being consumed. I guess I had never really thought about the implications of that beyond it being a miracle. But it was amazing because God could be there, burning, without the need for fuel. He IS.
That's how He could provide manna for the Israelites in the desert. He is. He can create out of nothing.

In other news, I am HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. I had a brief (unfortunately too brief) nesting period. It was this awesome burst of energy when I wanted to clean all the things and make sure everything is ready. Now I'm tired again. Tired and hungry. I want to eat all the things.

I think my face looks like I'm pregnant now. Pregnancy mouth and... face. It's the only part of me that feels puffy right now. I'm unsure if it's because I'm pregnant, or because I'm eating all the things :)

We've still got some things to get finished before AJ comes. Which coooould be early since I'm already 2cm dilated, 50% effaced and her head is engaged. Taxes. Cleaning out the guest room. Installing the car seat. Get Charlie insurance. And a couple more things to buy. But we've checked a lot off of our list.

36 weeks

Yesterday was February 5th.
AJ is due March 5th.

That's one month, people! (And really, a short month because February only has 28 days).

I've had 2 baby showers now. It's so humbling for people to bless you with money, practical items, cute clothes, and sweet accessories for your baby. We really have almost everything we need. I think tomorrow we're going to make a Target run to pick up last-minute things--we'll probably need to do a Wal-Mart run, too.

I think nesting has FINALLY kicked in. Last night, Charlie was like, "Wow! You have more energy, huh?" Because I've been coming home and vacuuming and washing AJ's clothes and blankets and trying to get everything organized. We're just not very organized and we live in such a small space. We really do love our home, but it's a challenge to keep STUFF under control.

I'm still feeling good--no swelling. No back pain. I can still walk (it's usually not a waddle). I can still get socks and shoes on (and see my feet! :)) AND I'm sleeping. SO that's awesome.

The other day it dawned on me that AJ is going to be my DAUGHTER. We've been calling her our baby, etc, but it sounds so weird to say I have a daughter! So grown-up. Charlie asked me to not say it again :) I think it was weird to him, too.

My mom got Charlie a massive soup pot for Christmas, and this week we made a (completely full) batch of Shrimp and Corn Soup, Cabbage and Chicken Soup, and Chili. I think we put up like 15 containers of food! Yay us! That will be what we're living off of when AJ comes. Especially since no one can really bring us meals. And I really don't want to get glutened with a new-born.

This is me and AJ at 33 weeks, baby-mooning at Grand Isle :)

34 weeks

I'm 34 weeks! eek!

Yesterday I had an OB appointment. I'm measuring a little small, so I'm going back on Monday to get a growth ultrasound on AJ. My OB wasn't concerned--she just thinks I'll probably have a 6-7# baby instead of an 8-9# baby. But I know a LOT of people who were told their baby was one size and they delivered quite a different size. Soooo who knows. But I believe Miss AJ is just fine. I've gotten bigger over the last few weeks and she is VERY active.

My shower is on Sunday! I'm excited. I'm still trying to figure out what shoes to wear, but Mrs. Annie's Christmas present got me a lovely dress for the event. Baby girl clothes are so cute. I can't wait to get everything washed and have the room complete.

I'm still overwhelmed at the thought of being a mom. It's something I've wanted for forever, but now the reality of it is--a lot! Well, everything I read says feeling like that means I'm going to be a good mom. So yes. I AM going to be a good mom.

My parents are moving next Wednesday! I'm so excited for their new adventure. I know God has so many good things in store for them. And for the church they're joining. I can't wait to visit.

determined

I've been thinking a lot about "theodicy"--trying to sort through bad things happening to people (God's people). Does God cause it? Why does God allow it?

I'm reading through the Bible in a year, and I decided to do it historically this year rather than the order books are in the Bible. So I just finished Genesis, and the next book is Job. And I thought "Gee great. This is going to be SO ENCOURAGING. Just what I need." {that's dripping in sarcasm}

But fortunately, my dad just sent me his NIV study Bible to use, and I decided to read through the intro for background on the book. Wow. Studying the Bible is so much different than reading it. SO MUCH DIFFERENT. Job's friends believed he was being punished by God. We all sin. God is perfect. Therefore, bad things=God's judgment.

But his friends forgot that there's a third party that butts its way into God's ordained and designed God-man relationship--His pinnacle of creation. Satan (the accuser) enters into the scene. Since he knows he can't beat God in the end he tries his damnedest to separate man from God and God from man. He tempts and he accuses. He tries his hardest to drive an irremovable wedge between that sacred relationship we have with our Creator Father. That's the only way he can see to win. Unfortunately, it works at times.

I've been overwhelmed with two horrific stories this past week of fallen humanity and that wedge that Satan can drive between God and man. Even men who profess to love God.

God, let it not be so with me.

We need to stick with God in that divine relationship he designed. Christ in me, the hope of glory. Glory is the manifestation of all of God's excellencies.

Christ in me, my hope to manifest the amazing qualities of God. As he designed me to do. Created in His image. Empowered by Christ's work and the Holy Spirit inside of me.

the paradox

A. W. Tozer got to the heart of this mystery when he wrote that Christians are crazy in Roots of Righteousness:

"A real Christian is an odd number anyway. He feels supreme love for One whom he has never seen, talks familiarly every day to Someone he cannot see, expects to go to heaven on the virtue of Another, empties himself in order to be full, admits he is wrong so he can be declared right, goes down in order to get up, is strong when he is weakest, richest when he is poorest, and happiest when he feels worst. He dies so he can live, forsakes in order to have, gives away so he can keep, sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, and knows that which passes knowledge."

31 weeks

Almost 32. AJ has tripled in size over the last couple of weeks. At least it feels like it from the way my belly looks.

Sooooo we know it's a girl now?! Arisa Jane Loup, or AJ. The sonographer let it slip. I'm relieved to know. Charlie was NOT happy. Not not happy it's a girl--just not happy that he doesn't get to have a surprise. Very unhappy about that. I suppose there's always next time? (Unless there's not a next time).

She is SO ACTIVE. I love watching my belly move around with her movements. It really is fun to feel her inside of me (until she grabs an ovary and I flinch).

It's amazing to think that she's half me and half Charlie. I know you're thinking "duh, that's what babies are"--but it's different, I guess when you think about your own child. I'm really excited she's half Charlie. That can only be good. She's going to have him wrapped around her little finger, anyhow.

It's also amazing to think about how God picked her out for US. That he designed her to be ours and to live in this time for a purpose. I love that. I hope we can instill destiny and purpose and hope into her little heart. Play a role in it, at least.

I read a psalm the other night that said something like "God sends His spirit to earth, creates/brings new life, and the earth is renewed." I think that's what new life does--what children do. They renew the earth.

I threw my back out over Christmas. It sucked. I'm trying really hard to be positive and play the "glad game"--I decided that I was glad that if I had to be couch-bound, that it was wonderful I was home so I had people to talk to. Otherwise, I would have been stuck at home very, very bored. My back is feeling much better now, although still a bit stiff at times. At least I don't need assistance to make it to the bathroom anymore!

Confession: I'm kind of really nervous about becoming a mom. SO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY! I'm scared I'm not up to the challenge. My doctor said that the fact I'm nervous means that I have nothing to worry about. This is just such a big deal. How can something that happens every single day (thousands of times every day) be such a huge deal?! It happens every day like it's nothing, but--it's LIFE. New life. SO many changes. God, I need your grace!! And wisdom! And peace!