Today I read an article about birth control. The writer talked about how it's a form of... pride. Like saying you know better than God when to have kids/how many kids to have, etc. The article talked about a woman who unexpectedly found out she was pregnant with her 7th child. She wasn't very excited when she found out--how would she provide (emotionally and financially) for another child? But she said she clung to God and his grace--and began to see it as a God-work.
"Pregnancy is a God-gift, a phenomenon of willingly giving up your body to be broken for another being so that they can have life."
I LOVE the concept. I really do. I love the idea of giving that completely to God and allowing him to shape and form our family.
But then that thought also TERRIFIES me. I'm not positive I completely believe it...? God has set up the earth to have actions--->consequences. So DOES that mean I should have as many kids as possible? From my own body?
I'm still thinking about all the children with no parents or bad parents or absent parents or abusive parents. At work, some nurses were talking about a new drug called "mojo" and they pulled up a couple of videos of people tripping on it. In one, there is a screaming baby in the background. Seriously? You're doing drugs and someone is filming you and NO ONE is taking care of the screaming baby? (Imean. I know sometimes AJ screams even when she is being taken care of. But I kind of doubt that was the case here). And then I heard another story about a grandmother who was trying to get custody of her 5 month old granddaughter. The 5 month old babygirl couldn't even lift her head she was so weak/neglected/malnourished.
I worry about being an adequate mother to AJ. I worry I'm not enough. I worry the worst of humanity will come out in me. I worry my impact on AJ is or will be negative or void. That she would somehow be better off without me.
Imean... I KNOW that isn't true... but it doesn't stop the fear.
Rabbit trail. Back to my original point. I AM a loving, nurturing mom. So should I have as many kids as possible from my own body? Or should I take some responsibility for those who are born and yet are parentless?
I'm not sure what the answer is--like many things, it may be different for different people and different circumstances. Maybe I'm still recovering from the brokenness pregnancy brought into my life.
This may sound like a negative post, and I don't mean it to. I LOVE AJ. I was worried about bonding with her, but it's been so much easier to love her than I imagined (before I met her). He grin makes me melt. She's started talking to me when she's nursing. She'll stare at me for a while, and then smile and then start coo-ing away. It's so special. And she's only been here 2 months and 18 days.
Wow. I have the TV on in the background and they just started talking about foster-care. I don't know. I don't know exactly where God will lead. I don't know how many of our children we will grow in my body or graft into our family.
Parenthood is awesome and an awesome responsibility. I want to do it right.
(Also. Apparently new moms are the target audience for day-time television because that's who all the commercial are targeted at).
No comments:
Post a Comment