where have i been?

I haven't been blogging for a while. yes, I am a busy new 5-month-old mom, But it's something more. I wish I had better documentation of the first 5 months of AJ's life. They're the most wonderful months of my life. But they're also tainted by the hardest moments of my life. Things I have been extremely hesitant to talk about with anyone. Much less on my blog. (Even though I believe it's only a handful of people anyhow.)

But I DO want to write more because I enjoy writing. It helps me process. And I also really love to reflect. Charlie pointed that out to me. Somehow I didn't directly realize that about myself. (He made me the most wonderful timeline of our marriage for our anniversary last week).

SO. I have perinatal OCD. I never had OCD before. And it's not the check-the-locks-and-the-oven OCD either. Or the straightening pictures or washing hands or whatever else you think OCD HAS to be. Mine revolves around my thought life. Specifically since I've been pregnant and about AJ. Intrusive thoughts. If you want to google it, go ahead, but don't look too far because it's actually pretty disturbing. However, the main point is that the content of the thoughts doesn't matter. They're so horrible and scary that my fear of them actually perpetuates the thoughts. I'll say "goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway" but that just means I'm continually thinking about what it is I want to go away.

It's a long story, but God connected me with a doctor who specializes in this area. She thinks a lot of my physical condition has contributed. I have something called "dysautonomia"--I always referred to it as "my heart thing" in the past. It has to do with blood pressure and standing in place and it's connected to Celiac Disease which is all interlinked with nutrition and my nervous and immune systems and biology and hormones and blah. everything. (Our bodies are SO very interconnected. We don't give God enough credit for how integral each part is to each other part).

But I just did an exercise to help work on my fear-reaction. You set a time of day to worry. for 10-15 minutes. Until that specific time, if you have any trouble with thoughts, you just say, "I'll worry about it at ___ time." So I did that. And then the time came for my first "worry session". Can I tell you how silly it felt? To try to conjure up worry? To attempt to work myself up over something that has been tormenting me? It was disconnecting myself from the worry. I was in control, and suddenly it wasn't so scary.

I mean... I know really that GOD is in control. Some trust in horses. Some in Chariots. Most in ourselves. But we will trust in the name of our God. I've been working so hard to control the thoughts. I've been working triple-time to make sure that I control myself. I've got to figure this surrender thing out. I've got to figure out what it really means to trust God--and that He is good all the time.

It's not for lack of trying. The word God gave me for 2015 was "abide". To live, dwell, and remain at all times. It's my desire to Abide in God.

The people I work with are in the most dire situations. It's very hard for me to see God in their lives or circumstances. I have so much to learn. God, give me a learner's heart. Let me abide in you. Let me surrender all to you.