Saturday, July 28, 2007
i'm thankful we're constantly still far from over. this process i've been going through for over 7 months trying to find an internship is like nothing i've ever been through before. i don't know if i can accurately describe it. i suppose i'm not entirely accustomed to rejection--being rejected by more christian organizations than i can count has been hard. it's required me to redefine my worth and purpose and the way in which i make decisions. it's given me an opportunity to practice belief without striving and faith without struggle (although it hasn't been perfectly without struggle.) i almost feel as if i've been watching from the outside as God has changed my direction through closed doors (possibly because he couldn't change my direction through my changed heart. i think i -always- would have chosen india over the western hemisphere.) i've watched God patiently ask if i was -really- as willing to serve any of his people as i so readily said i was. and i am still trying to grasp the completeness of his love for -all- people. and being right in the midst of this process, i believe, has blinded me from certain issues that i should probably be working through now before i go overseas. i was thinking about this earlier today... i'm not sure if the illustration will make sense to you... but say, God wants to work among a certain people, but he's going to use someone like, say me, to do it. it's almost like he's pouring water into my hands for me to then give to someone (the metaphor being i am empty... not really having anything to give...) but even so, it's still possible that i could contaminate the water if i have a bunch of dirt on my hands. i could taint it with a bad flavor even though he is perfectly pure and clean and perfect. i want to know that i'm not going to taint what is pure and clean and perfect. i want them to see God's perfect -truth-... not my dirt. i'm frightened i'll be blindsided by it as i was blind to my high school pride. |
No comments:
Post a Comment