whew.

I still can't seem to kick the last little bit of perinatal anxiety that started during pregnancy. I'd compare it to... allergies or something. It does still bother me... but it's more of an annoyance that a big interference. BUT it does bother me enough to want it to go away. SO I'm trying something new. It's called EMDR.

It sounds kind of weird, and I don't quite understand it yet. But I'm hopeful. My basic understanding is that we'll try to re-frame some negative associations/fears. Which is really something I have been trying to do and prayed for, but this is a methodical and scientific method of doing so :)

What I'm praying for is that whatever comes up to be Holy-Spirit led. God created science and the mind and I believe that He can orchestrate exactly the things I do or do not need to re-frame.

When I spoke with the therapist, she kept asking me if I had any childhood trauma--and I don't! I explained what a wonderful childhood I had! Great parents, fun siblings, everything. I really can't imagine what it must be like for people who have had hard lives. What must that be like?! If you had absent / neglectful / abusive parents? I am so fortunate. God has blessed me over and over and over.

We sang this in worship today--it was so good. Faithful you have been, and faithful you will be. That's why I'm singing your praise will ever be on my lips...

slow down

AJ is napping right now. We have Fox for the day, so he's taking a break and playing Minecraft while she's napping. Earlier today, we went out and explored the yard! He set a goal for us to find 43 leaves--red, yellow, orange and green. We got a little sidetracked and picked up all sorts of stuff.

You know? I really enjoyed it. I don't know the last time I went outside in our yard and REALLY paid attention to the details. It was fun! I was amazing at what we found in the yard. Sometimes you just have to keep your eyes open.

Mardi Gras was fun. AJ was a little overwhelmed by ALL the people and noise, but she did well. She wasn't really fussy, she just stared the whole time, expressionless. Maybe next year she'll be able to warm up to it a little better. It's become a really fun highlight of the Loup family year--all of us go and spend the morning and afternoon together. I'm so thankful Kerry and Eloise let us crash their place for the day every year!

The weather has been beautiful again lately. I hope it's pleasant for AJ's birthday. I really need to start working on her party details. Charlie still wants to go with our original plan of immediate family only. And I always felt that way, too until my sweetestbabygirlinthewholeentireworld almost turned 1! Now I want a big party and celebrate the fact that we all made it a year... and that she's just so special and amazing. I know the 1st birthday party isn't for the baby--we really don't want any presents because we're feeling packed to the brim in our house. But I just want to celebrate the amazingness that is AJ.

So we shall see. I'm pretty sure Charlie will be super-annoyed if we invite more people. Maybe I can just trick Mimi into inviting the other people and then I can get out of the blame :)

Hello

Wow it's been a while.

I've been thinking it'd be good to start blogging again. I have alllll the emotions and it would probably be good to process them and get them out in a healthy outlet.

AJ is almost a year old! It has gone so quickly. Well, the days have (sometimes) been long, but the year has flown.

I'm working 2-3 days/week at work. Just starting to try to add 4-8 hours every other week. It will help me keep up with one of my units that I don't really get to spend much time on. My job keeps me so busy--so my 10 hour days FLY by. I've really enjoyed working. After so much wondering about what I'd want to do/need to do once AJ came, I feel so sure that God provided the exact situation I needed. Even the population I'm working with. God is really faithful.

AJ is the most delightful baby/person/little girl that ever lived. I literally just stare at her while she plays sometimes. She's so funny! The way she studies things and tries to figure it out. Watching her try to stack things on top of each other and being genuinely interested in why sometimes it balances and sometimes it doesn't! The way she's started to randomly lay down on the floor or lay her head down on her lovie while she's standing by the ottoman. haha Trying to shove pieces of fruit in her mouth using her whole hand. Or trying to pat her mouth to make "ah-ah-ah-ah" sounds but how she uses the back of her hand and just wiggles her fingers. I can't describe it right, but it's completely ridiculous. Or how she snuggles up with me at night and sometimes randomly on the couch.

There is NOTHING in all the world like having a daughter. It's incredible. I am SO PROUD of her over the littlest things. (^see paragraph above :))

In December, I really thought I had 100% recovered from all the perinatal issues. I haven't. Generally now, they're just a bother. Like allergies or something. It's annoying, but doesn't really interfere with ADLs or drastically impact my quality of life.

I really believe our bodies/minds/guts are so much more connected than we understand. I'm reading a couple of books about the nutrient/mind connection. They think that one day we will literally be able to treat mental illnesses with nutrients rather than medications. I think we're a looooong way off from that, but wouldn't that be something? I want to understand it more. I really believe the issues I have had are connected with nutrition/hormones/imbalances.

On the radio yesterday, they were talking about depression. Someone called in and said that every person on earth should feel dismayed at the state things are in. I disagree with that (I think if you can't see anything good, you probably are clinically depressed), but it is true that there are a lot of hard things marbled into the good. AJ is the best thing that's ever happened to me! But it is marbled with hard things.

chains

Tonight we kicked off our year of women's ministry at church.

Ohmy gracious. It was so good.

During worship--the Holy Spirit was THERE. With us in the room. When we were singing "there is power in the name of Jesus" I just saw this picture of people being... well... so creatively... in chains. And it was like Satan had put a lock in the loops of the chain and said, "well. that's that! they'll never get out." And I saw the people that I work with/for. Those in mental health crises. Those who have been there over and over again. Those who aren't getting better. Those who they say, "there's no fixing that" about.

But then I saw the chains falling. The enemy doesn't have the final say. He can't say "well that's that." He doesn't have that authority.

A month or two ago, (actually when I was still working at Villa) my mom said she saw me laying hands on people I work with. Having encouragement and God's healing to offer. Well. I think that's for this job I didn't even know I was going to have. I'm praying that God will give me clarity and wisdom about to whom I should minister to more than the standard dignity, respect and personalized care I try to show each of them.

So basically I had goosebumps for the entire time we were worshiping. (I'm honestly not exaggerating).

Megan shared the word tonight about going deeper with God. I want that. Being comfortable is never a good thing to be. (Not that I'm terribly comfortable in life right now as you may have picked up from previous posts), but deeper with God. I think it all ties in together. I think that really praying and really seeking God about who and where and when to show God's compassion at work--and to maybe allow him to speak prophetically through me at times--I think getting the focus off of me would be really good. Having one hand hanging on to Jesus, and one hand reaching out to help someone else.

It was just an awesome time.

Getting sleepy. Although I had to spit out the melatonin I bought today because IT HAS GLUTEN IN IT!

Hopefully I'll blog some more tomorrow.

hard

I'm watching AJ play in her bouncer right now. She is really growing up fast. Once we got to 3 months, things just took off with her developmentally. Now she can sit up by herself (of course surrounded by mommy or daddy or pillows). She's experimenting with cantaloupe in this cool little mesh pouch that prevents choking. She's happy and interactive. This is a very fun age. I -kind- of think she's the cutest baby of all time. But I know my perspective is a little skewed.

I went back to work 1-2 days per week at the state nursing home when AJ was about 10 weeks old. They really needed someone full-time though, so after a month or two, they hired a full-time RD who had been working up the street at the mental health hospital. Soooooo since I knew her boss, I emailed her to see if they were hiring part time. Lucky me! They were! So I trained the new RD for a week or two, then started at my new job the next week. It was such a smooth transition all the way around. Definitely the most confident I've ever been going into a new job. I feel like I know what I'm doing.

BUT. This new job is HARD. And when I say HARD, I mean HARD. The way their medical records are set up, I basically have to sort through everything to find the nutrition-information I need. (I'm sure I'll get better at it). But right now, I feel like I get slapped in the face over and over again 10 times a day with tragedy.

I work on the acute unit for people in mental health crises.

Raped. Molested as a kid. On drugs since they were 13. Alcoholic parents. 3rd admission to the facility. First child at age 15. Alcohol-> marijuana->cocaine->meth->mojo. Mental health issues since they were young. No work history. No education. No support. No solid relationships.

IT'S SO HARD. It feels like I'm too emotional to handle it. It's like when I pour over their chart, I'm reliving all the pain and hardship and tragedy they've been through. And it breaks me.

Where are you God? Where are you in their circumstances? In their pain? In their loss? In their... ...crazy? Where are you?

In some ways, this is harder for me to manage than the physical poverty I've seen. There's something about a poverty of spirit that is... so.... heart-wrenching.

On Thursday a girl asked, "Am I fixable? I don't think I'm fixable." (She drinks a 5th of vodka a day). The lady responded that yes, of course she was. But as soon as the patient left, she said, "She's not fixable. You can't fix that."

God, where are you?

It's so hard.

where have i been?

I haven't been blogging for a while. yes, I am a busy new 5-month-old mom, But it's something more. I wish I had better documentation of the first 5 months of AJ's life. They're the most wonderful months of my life. But they're also tainted by the hardest moments of my life. Things I have been extremely hesitant to talk about with anyone. Much less on my blog. (Even though I believe it's only a handful of people anyhow.)

But I DO want to write more because I enjoy writing. It helps me process. And I also really love to reflect. Charlie pointed that out to me. Somehow I didn't directly realize that about myself. (He made me the most wonderful timeline of our marriage for our anniversary last week).

SO. I have perinatal OCD. I never had OCD before. And it's not the check-the-locks-and-the-oven OCD either. Or the straightening pictures or washing hands or whatever else you think OCD HAS to be. Mine revolves around my thought life. Specifically since I've been pregnant and about AJ. Intrusive thoughts. If you want to google it, go ahead, but don't look too far because it's actually pretty disturbing. However, the main point is that the content of the thoughts doesn't matter. They're so horrible and scary that my fear of them actually perpetuates the thoughts. I'll say "goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway" but that just means I'm continually thinking about what it is I want to go away.

It's a long story, but God connected me with a doctor who specializes in this area. She thinks a lot of my physical condition has contributed. I have something called "dysautonomia"--I always referred to it as "my heart thing" in the past. It has to do with blood pressure and standing in place and it's connected to Celiac Disease which is all interlinked with nutrition and my nervous and immune systems and biology and hormones and blah. everything. (Our bodies are SO very interconnected. We don't give God enough credit for how integral each part is to each other part).

But I just did an exercise to help work on my fear-reaction. You set a time of day to worry. for 10-15 minutes. Until that specific time, if you have any trouble with thoughts, you just say, "I'll worry about it at ___ time." So I did that. And then the time came for my first "worry session". Can I tell you how silly it felt? To try to conjure up worry? To attempt to work myself up over something that has been tormenting me? It was disconnecting myself from the worry. I was in control, and suddenly it wasn't so scary.

I mean... I know really that GOD is in control. Some trust in horses. Some in Chariots. Most in ourselves. But we will trust in the name of our God. I've been working so hard to control the thoughts. I've been working triple-time to make sure that I control myself. I've got to figure this surrender thing out. I've got to figure out what it really means to trust God--and that He is good all the time.

It's not for lack of trying. The word God gave me for 2015 was "abide". To live, dwell, and remain at all times. It's my desire to Abide in God.

The people I work with are in the most dire situations. It's very hard for me to see God in their lives or circumstances. I have so much to learn. God, give me a learner's heart. Let me abide in you. Let me surrender all to you.

Family

I'm certain to offend some people with this post, but I'll put that up front. If you may get offended, or don't want to be offended by me, please don't read this. But this is too big of a deal to not blog about for my future reference. Keyword being MY.

So just a few days ago (I believe on 6.26), the supreme court made the decision to legalize gay marriage in the US. I deleted the Facebook app off of my phone because people are nuts. If I have to read one more post about how this is the gateway for pedophilia, I'm going to lose it. (Because 100% of known pedophile cases get locked up in jail and have to announce to their neighbors when they move into a neighborhood and 1 million other restrictions. And I'm thinking there's 0 things like that applied to gay relationships. The relationships were legal, only the status of marriage with its legal ramifications was not granted.)

I think what has bothered me the most about this whole debate is that Christians are saying that it's defiling marriage and defiling the family. Marriage is a religious institution.  I have a suggestion. Let the government no longer grant marriages. Only churches should. And let the government only issue civil unions. When I go to a wedding in a church with a priest and I know the couple doesn't have a relationship with God, I leave the service scratching my head. To me, this is part of the problem. If marriages are something created by God, then why do people outside of the church get married? Is it still a marriage if both parties aren't believers?

Furthermore, the church doesn't take marriage seriously. It's not treated with the sacredness it should be! This is OUR problem. If we want the world to respect marriage and consider it holy, then we better live in such a way that our marriages reflect that. But they don't. People should be able to look at our marriages and families and say that we're doing something right. Won't it be a big black eye on the church if gay marriages have a lower divorce rate than traditional evangelical marriages? I can see that happening because this is going to be a BIG DEAL for people to marry who have never been able to before, and I believe they're going to take it seriously.

I really feel that before we start hurling stones at people, we better take a good look inward.

In our world today with the highest number of human slaves in history and wars and murders and everything going on, I really don't feel that people WANTING to commit themselves to one another should be at the top of our list of horrors.

The family unit is terribly important. I think family is where Charlie and I will shine. But maybe we could attack things with action rather than pointed fingers.