another flashback...

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Currently Watching The Science of Sleep By Gael Garc?a Bernal, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Alain Chabat, Miou-Miou, Pierre Vaneck see related i was just thinking... exactly 4 years ago i was about to start my senior year of high school. 4 years ago i was only 16 years old. (-that's- a scary thought.) 4 years ago i was so ignorant--naive may actually be a better word. i thought i was invincible just because i was a stubborn Christian. i didn't realize i hadn't committed certain "sins" only because the opportunity hadn't happened upon me. that's a humbling realization. my thinking has changed. i think i judge less often. i'm thankful we're constantly still far from over. this process i've been going through for over 7 months trying to find an internship is like nothing i've ever been through before. i don't know if i can accurately describe it. i suppose i'm not entirely accustomed to rejection--being rejected by more christian organizations than i can count has been hard. it's required me to redefine my worth and purpose and the way in which i make decisions. it's given me an opportunity to practice belief without striving and faith without struggle (although it hasn't been perfectly without struggle.) i almost feel as if i've been watching from the outside as God has changed my direction through closed doors (possibly because he couldn't change my direction through my changed heart. i think i -always- would have chosen india over the western hemisphere.) i've watched God patiently ask if i was -really- as willing to serve any of his people as i so readily said i was. and i am still trying to grasp the completeness of his love for -all- people. and being right in the midst of this process, i believe, has blinded me from certain issues that i should probably be working through now before i go overseas. i was thinking about this earlier today... i'm not sure if the illustration will make sense to you... but say, God wants to work among a certain people, but he's going to use someone like, say me, to do it. it's almost like he's pouring water into my hands for me to then give to someone (the metaphor being i am empty... not really having anything to give...) but even so, it's still possible that i could contaminate the water if i have a bunch of dirt on my hands. i could taint it with a bad flavor even though he is perfectly pure and clean and perfect. i want to know that i'm not going to taint what is pure and clean and perfect. i want them to see God's perfect -truth-... not my dirt. i'm frightened i'll be blindsided by it as i was blind to my high school pride.

one.

i am exactly 14 days away from our one year anniversary.
i've learned a lot... hopefully i shall blog about that for our anniversary... but i DID want to share one thing i have learned this past year.

in marriage: two become one.

i think it would be easy for either charlie or i to imagine what our lives would be like had we not gotten married. i might be a dietician. charlie might live in baton rouge working for the farmer's market. we could dream all day. but in all honesty... IT'S IRRELEVANT.

when two people are married and make a covenant before God and each other... they become ONE. one person. one flesh. their lives aren't the same. that new union is not supposed to look like one of the individuals or the other. it's a fresh, new thing. there may be certain relationships where only one individual makes decisions and does all the thinking, but i am proud to say charlie and i work really well together. yes, i dream. yes, i have opinions. but charlie has this way of keeping me grounded. he brings this stability into my life that i wouldn't have without him. we talk things through. we disagree at times. but in the end, we make unified decisions. i can rest in his final decision, because i know his character--i know he will always keep our (mine and his) best interests in mind.

so what is the point in wondering what someone would be doing if he or she weren't married? my covenant is first to God and to my husband. all we can do is walk that out as ONE.

the struggle

to struggle used to be
to grab with both hands
and shake
and twist
and turn
and push
and shove and not give in
but wrest an answer from it all
as jacob did a blessing.

but there is another way
to struggle with an issue, a question--
simply to jump
off
into the abyss
and find ourselves
floating
falling
tumbling
being led
slowly and gently
but surely
to the answers God has for us--

to watch the answers unfold
before our eyes and still
to be a part of the unfolding.

but, oh! the trust
necessary for this new way!
not to be always reaching out
for the old hand-holds

still in culture shock...

well. maybe not full-force shock. maybe more like a little sting. or something like that. it's amazing how i can live here for two years and still not catch on to cultural cues at all. at all.

example:

today at work we had a patient named joyce. (i hope it's not a hippa violation to say a first name..?) but in any case... i said "Oh, mrs. joyce, that's my middle name! i was named after my aunt." she looked at me and said, "Well... what is your first name?" I said "Stephanie." "Stephanie Joyce," she said. "Huh. You have two first names." to which i had NO clue how to respond. so i asked her what her middle name was... Marie. but then i was even more confused. marie can be a first name, too!! so i said "Ohhh."

so i was confused and trying not to be offended. two first names? i think stephanie joyce is a pretty name! was she trying to tell me that my name didn't go together? how dare she!

an hour or so later i brought it up to some of my fellow employees. heather nodded in agreement and said, "yeah... you don't have a catholic name."

*light bulb*

of course! i don't have a saints' name! duh. i didn't know this when i moved down here, so you might not either... but southern louisiana is about 80% catholic. so that means about 80% of the people down here have a catholic middle name. this all made me think. if i hadn't asked someone who understood, i NEVER would have figured out what "you have two first names" means. never. i would have been offended, when my patient was just stating that i must not be catholic. i wonder how many other cultural cues i miss... how many things i misunderstand just because... i misunderstand. ignorance. i hope to learn more and more about the people and cultures i am surrounded by.

swimming dogs

i've been promising to post these so my family can see how goofy our puppies are... here they are swimming at the pond! you can only see rufus' bad swimming skills in one... he's greatly improved with time :)

eats vegetables ; family pets a plus

Brother and sister looking for a forever home together

Teen looking for father to teach him football

Creative 13-year-old seeks home in suburbs

Pre-teen’s knock-knock jokes will keep you laughing


over the course of my travels, i have been to many orphanages and left my heart with many orphans. i was shocked in thailand when i learned that most of the children there HAD at least one parent still living. many of these orphans had been given up by a mother who was forced to abandon her children in order to re-marry and be cared for.
one unassuming day in college, it hit me. our foster children are just like their orphans. i think the amount of rejection you would have to be healed of (obviously by the Lord) would just be immense.
after being reminded of my desire to (possibly) adopt or foster, i decided to hop online to look up what the parameters are in the state. i was... horrified. i don't know what i thought i would see. but i felt like i was picking out a pet. it reminded me when i scrolled through profile after profile looking for punkin. this one has special needs... this one needs others to play with... this one needs work on discipline. maybe it makes sense... maybe the best way to get people interested in adopting older children is to... create little profiles for them? but really? they're real children with real lives and real hurts and real joys. i just wish there were a more dignified way.


come on Church, let's step up!