chains

Tonight we kicked off our year of women's ministry at church.

Ohmy gracious. It was so good.

During worship--the Holy Spirit was THERE. With us in the room. When we were singing "there is power in the name of Jesus" I just saw this picture of people being... well... so creatively... in chains. And it was like Satan had put a lock in the loops of the chain and said, "well. that's that! they'll never get out." And I saw the people that I work with/for. Those in mental health crises. Those who have been there over and over again. Those who aren't getting better. Those who they say, "there's no fixing that" about.

But then I saw the chains falling. The enemy doesn't have the final say. He can't say "well that's that." He doesn't have that authority.

A month or two ago, (actually when I was still working at Villa) my mom said she saw me laying hands on people I work with. Having encouragement and God's healing to offer. Well. I think that's for this job I didn't even know I was going to have. I'm praying that God will give me clarity and wisdom about to whom I should minister to more than the standard dignity, respect and personalized care I try to show each of them.

So basically I had goosebumps for the entire time we were worshiping. (I'm honestly not exaggerating).

Megan shared the word tonight about going deeper with God. I want that. Being comfortable is never a good thing to be. (Not that I'm terribly comfortable in life right now as you may have picked up from previous posts), but deeper with God. I think it all ties in together. I think that really praying and really seeking God about who and where and when to show God's compassion at work--and to maybe allow him to speak prophetically through me at times--I think getting the focus off of me would be really good. Having one hand hanging on to Jesus, and one hand reaching out to help someone else.

It was just an awesome time.

Getting sleepy. Although I had to spit out the melatonin I bought today because IT HAS GLUTEN IN IT!

Hopefully I'll blog some more tomorrow.

hard

I'm watching AJ play in her bouncer right now. She is really growing up fast. Once we got to 3 months, things just took off with her developmentally. Now she can sit up by herself (of course surrounded by mommy or daddy or pillows). She's experimenting with cantaloupe in this cool little mesh pouch that prevents choking. She's happy and interactive. This is a very fun age. I -kind- of think she's the cutest baby of all time. But I know my perspective is a little skewed.

I went back to work 1-2 days per week at the state nursing home when AJ was about 10 weeks old. They really needed someone full-time though, so after a month or two, they hired a full-time RD who had been working up the street at the mental health hospital. Soooooo since I knew her boss, I emailed her to see if they were hiring part time. Lucky me! They were! So I trained the new RD for a week or two, then started at my new job the next week. It was such a smooth transition all the way around. Definitely the most confident I've ever been going into a new job. I feel like I know what I'm doing.

BUT. This new job is HARD. And when I say HARD, I mean HARD. The way their medical records are set up, I basically have to sort through everything to find the nutrition-information I need. (I'm sure I'll get better at it). But right now, I feel like I get slapped in the face over and over again 10 times a day with tragedy.

I work on the acute unit for people in mental health crises.

Raped. Molested as a kid. On drugs since they were 13. Alcoholic parents. 3rd admission to the facility. First child at age 15. Alcohol-> marijuana->cocaine->meth->mojo. Mental health issues since they were young. No work history. No education. No support. No solid relationships.

IT'S SO HARD. It feels like I'm too emotional to handle it. It's like when I pour over their chart, I'm reliving all the pain and hardship and tragedy they've been through. And it breaks me.

Where are you God? Where are you in their circumstances? In their pain? In their loss? In their... ...crazy? Where are you?

In some ways, this is harder for me to manage than the physical poverty I've seen. There's something about a poverty of spirit that is... so.... heart-wrenching.

On Thursday a girl asked, "Am I fixable? I don't think I'm fixable." (She drinks a 5th of vodka a day). The lady responded that yes, of course she was. But as soon as the patient left, she said, "She's not fixable. You can't fix that."

God, where are you?

It's so hard.

where have i been?

I haven't been blogging for a while. yes, I am a busy new 5-month-old mom, But it's something more. I wish I had better documentation of the first 5 months of AJ's life. They're the most wonderful months of my life. But they're also tainted by the hardest moments of my life. Things I have been extremely hesitant to talk about with anyone. Much less on my blog. (Even though I believe it's only a handful of people anyhow.)

But I DO want to write more because I enjoy writing. It helps me process. And I also really love to reflect. Charlie pointed that out to me. Somehow I didn't directly realize that about myself. (He made me the most wonderful timeline of our marriage for our anniversary last week).

SO. I have perinatal OCD. I never had OCD before. And it's not the check-the-locks-and-the-oven OCD either. Or the straightening pictures or washing hands or whatever else you think OCD HAS to be. Mine revolves around my thought life. Specifically since I've been pregnant and about AJ. Intrusive thoughts. If you want to google it, go ahead, but don't look too far because it's actually pretty disturbing. However, the main point is that the content of the thoughts doesn't matter. They're so horrible and scary that my fear of them actually perpetuates the thoughts. I'll say "goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway" but that just means I'm continually thinking about what it is I want to go away.

It's a long story, but God connected me with a doctor who specializes in this area. She thinks a lot of my physical condition has contributed. I have something called "dysautonomia"--I always referred to it as "my heart thing" in the past. It has to do with blood pressure and standing in place and it's connected to Celiac Disease which is all interlinked with nutrition and my nervous and immune systems and biology and hormones and blah. everything. (Our bodies are SO very interconnected. We don't give God enough credit for how integral each part is to each other part).

But I just did an exercise to help work on my fear-reaction. You set a time of day to worry. for 10-15 minutes. Until that specific time, if you have any trouble with thoughts, you just say, "I'll worry about it at ___ time." So I did that. And then the time came for my first "worry session". Can I tell you how silly it felt? To try to conjure up worry? To attempt to work myself up over something that has been tormenting me? It was disconnecting myself from the worry. I was in control, and suddenly it wasn't so scary.

I mean... I know really that GOD is in control. Some trust in horses. Some in Chariots. Most in ourselves. But we will trust in the name of our God. I've been working so hard to control the thoughts. I've been working triple-time to make sure that I control myself. I've got to figure this surrender thing out. I've got to figure out what it really means to trust God--and that He is good all the time.

It's not for lack of trying. The word God gave me for 2015 was "abide". To live, dwell, and remain at all times. It's my desire to Abide in God.

The people I work with are in the most dire situations. It's very hard for me to see God in their lives or circumstances. I have so much to learn. God, give me a learner's heart. Let me abide in you. Let me surrender all to you.