thoughts on parenthood

This post is kind of long and heavy. SO. Here's a picture of AJ to lighten it a bit :)

Today I read an article about birth control. The writer talked about how it's a form of... pride. Like saying you know better than God when to have kids/how many kids to have, etc. The article talked about a woman who unexpectedly found out she was pregnant with her 7th child. She wasn't very excited when she found out--how would she provide (emotionally and financially) for another child? But she said she clung to God and his grace--and began to see it as a God-work.

"Pregnancy is a God-gift, a phenomenon of willingly giving up your body to be broken for another being so that they can have life."

I LOVE the concept. I really do. I love the idea of giving that completely to God and allowing him to shape and form our family.

But then that thought also TERRIFIES me. I'm not positive I completely believe it...? God has set up the earth to have actions--->consequences. So DOES that mean I should have as many kids as possible? From my own body?

I'm still thinking about all the children with no parents or bad parents or absent parents or abusive parents. At work, some nurses were talking about a new drug called "mojo" and they pulled up a couple of videos of people tripping on it. In one, there is a screaming baby in the background. Seriously? You're doing drugs and someone is filming you and NO ONE is taking care of the screaming baby? (Imean. I know sometimes AJ screams even when she is being taken care of. But I kind of doubt that was the case here). And then I heard another story about a grandmother who was trying to get custody of her 5 month old granddaughter. The 5 month old babygirl couldn't even lift her head she was so weak/neglected/malnourished.

I worry about being an adequate mother to AJ. I worry I'm not enough. I worry the worst of humanity will come out in me. I worry my impact on AJ is or will be negative or void. That she would somehow be better off without me.

Imean... I KNOW that isn't true... but it doesn't stop the fear.

Rabbit trail. Back to my original point. I AM a loving, nurturing mom. So should I have as many kids as possible from my own body? Or should I take some responsibility for those who are born and yet are parentless?

I'm not sure what the answer is--like many things, it may be different for different people and different circumstances. Maybe I'm still recovering from the brokenness pregnancy brought into my life.

This may sound like a negative post, and I don't mean it to. I LOVE AJ. I was worried about bonding with her, but it's been so much easier to love her than I imagined (before I met her). He grin makes me melt. She's started talking to me when she's nursing. She'll stare at me for a while, and then smile and then start coo-ing away. It's so special. And she's only been here 2 months and 18 days.

Wow. I have the TV on in the background and they just started talking about foster-care. I don't know. I don't know exactly where God will lead. I don't know how many of our children we will grow in my body or graft into our family.

Parenthood is awesome and an awesome responsibility. I want to do it right.

(Also. Apparently new moms are the target audience for day-time television because that's who all the commercial are targeted at).

AJ's birth story

wow it's been a while. Almost 3 months!
Obviously a lot has happened with the birth of our baby girl Arisa Jane Loup!
She was born March 4, 2015 at 9:15 pm--weighing 6# 14oz and 20' long. I had a great, uncomplicated labor and delivery. I was really worried about all of that, but it went so smoothly.

I was actually in labor at work that Wednesday morning, but I had a checkup scheduled for that afternoon, so I just hung in there. I was feeling nauseous, but I knew moms probably all feel yucky when they're basically at their due date. But when I went in to my OB, she checked me and I was 5cm dilated. So she sent me straight over to the hospital where they hooked me up and started an antibiotic and fluids. And pitocin. At this point, my contractions were naturally picking up, and with the addition of the pitocin, I asked for the epidural. Charlie headed over from Oscar when I called him from the Dr's office and told him we were having a baby! He got there just before they gave me the epidural. I guess I checked in around 2 or 3. Mrs. Annie came early, too.

The epidural was kind of scary. I could feel pin-pricks in different parts of my back and I kept jumping a little. The CRNA told me to stop jerking :) It worked pretty quickly, but I had a "hot spot" on my lower right abdomen where I could still feel contractions. They rolled me over to my side, but the hot spot didn't go away. I cried. Then, the CRNA came back and adjusted the needle. It worked! No more pain. (And apparently I'm one of the small percent of women who can still move their legs even though they're numb! That was kind of bizarre feeling).

Around 7:30-8? I got really nauseous and started throwing up. Right as PopPop and Risa came in. Nursing checked me and I was about 8-9cm dilated. They said sometimes throwing up means you're about to give birth. They were right! The doctor came  in shortly after, and I started pushing. 40 minutes later, AJ entered the outside world! Charlie was a champ, standing up by my head, holding my hand and helping me get in position to push. He didn't watch anything, but I told him I wouldn't want to watch it either, so that was a-okay with me. But all the nurses and doctor DID convince him to cut the umbilical cord.

The delivery was fairly uncomplicated. Just a small episiotomy and I had to be on oxygen while I was pushing.

AJ nursed so well that night. She was also extremely alert when PopPop, Mimi, Aunt Risi, Uncle Nic, Aunt Coco and Fox came in to meet her. She was wide-eyed and looking around at everything. It was wonderful having them all come to meet her. It really was. And all the staff commented on how great our family was--they were nice, calm, and stayed the perfect amount of time. Yay Loups! :)

Our stay in the hospital was good. (Although they had NO CLUE about a celiac diet!! No clue. They would ask me if I could eat what was on the tray. I even got one tray with a piece of bread on it. My meal ticket said "no bread".) But other than that, nursing staff was awesome. AJ's temp dropped a little the first night, so they kept her in an incubator to stay warm. They'd bring her to me to nurse. Other than that, they would just check on us, but let us rest and bond.

My parents came in Friday night and got to meet AJ. It's a special thing to introduce your daughter to your parents.

One strange thing. AJ was born on the coldest night--we even had sleet. So Charlie actually had to drive back and forth to Glynn a few times to check on his plants and keep everything from freezing. I'm sure it's these small things I'll eventually forget about, so I want to write them down for record.

I know that's probably way more than anyone wants to know. But maybe (hopefully) AJ will want to know about her birth one day and we'll be able to remember all the good details for her.

AJ. Mama loves you! Daddy does too of course. I wasn't sure how I would feel to meet you for the first time. But it was awesome. You were beautiful and perfect. It was emotional in all the right ways. I immediately felt connected to you. I like to think back on being pregnant with you and imagining you there with me. You WERE with me. But now it's fun because I KNOW you. We had 40 weeks of experiences together before we ever met. I love you, little girl.