my greatest fear come true...

i have this reoccurring nightmare. and by nightmare, i mean i wake up in a cold sweat, my heart beating 300 beats per minute... and subsequently can't fall back asleep unless i turn my light on. i've had this nightmare many times, and it's occurred in the setting of almost every residence i've lived at. the dream is watching someone plot and then break into my home. normally i catch them staring in the window at me, and i always know it's coming. i see them looking for the place they want to break in at, and can't do anything about it. i don't think they've ever actually robbed me or hurt me... it's just the scare. it's knowing someone is in my house that shouldn't be there.

and last night, i came closer than ever to this nightmare. i woke up at 3am to a loud pounding on the door. at first i thought i was dreaming, but then i'd hear it again. my heart started pounding. i shook charlie. he didn't wake up (heck... why did -i- wake up? i took a sleeping pill! AND was wearing EAR PLUGS!!) but the pounding continued, so i kept trying to wake charlie up. finally he did and rolled out of bed to see what was going on. i felt paralyzed and all i could do was pray in tongues.

i heard him yell "hey what's up buddy" out the door, and then go down the stairs and close the door. 3 in the morning? seriously? what does someone need at 3 in the morning? i finally got over my paralysis and rolled out of the bed. i tried to sneak a peak out the front door window and saw charlie was just chatting it up with a middle-aged fellow. but i was very scared. for charlie... for myself. i really didn't want our visitor to see me, so i snuck past the window and went to check on pernky. she was shivering so badly. the pounding had frightened her, too.

a few minutes later (felt like 15?) and charlie trudged back inside. put on his coat and said "he ran out of gas. i'm taking him to the gas station." all i could think to say was, "are you scared?" he said no and left.

i'm not proud of this, but fear is something i've dealt with since i was really little. and when charlie left, my fear -really- set in. i started thinking of every possible bad thing that could happen. charlie getting robbed or killed. someone else breaking into our house while charlie was gone. i even got up to check that all the doors were locked. my mind was completely focused on me. i watched the minutes pass on my phone. it was a terrible 15 minutes. finally i heard God say "join me in what i am doing." it was a reminder of what he had spoken to me just the other day. so i calmed down and prayed until i heard charlie walk through the door.

he was fine. the guy was back on the road (although he was a little concerned about how much the guy had been drinking...) it took us both a while to fall back asleep.

but i've been thinking. why do i let fear control me? what a great opportunity to help someone out. isn't that what life is about? why do i need to assume others just want to harm me or my husband? i ask for situations like these, but i rarely act on them because i am too afraid! and in this case, i was afraid for nothing. i lay there like pernky.. shaking and petrified. as if i'm this helpless victim of consequences. i forget who my Daddy is.