11.6.17

I haven't posted in over a year. More like a year and a half. That's a long time. Obviously a lot has happened between here and there. I have a 2 and 3/4 year old. AJ is the joy of joys.
And as we speak I am timing contractions in expectation of Phoebe coming any time now. She seems to be fairly determined to come before her November 29th due date. We can't wait to meet you, too Phoebe-girl.

Princess Lauren got married this weekend, and AJ was honored to be the flower girl. She was too cute. And I think she may have known she was too cute. She twirled and danced and pranced and demanded cookies and cake. I have been on semi-bed rest since I was in the hospital a week or two ago with pre-term labor. It's not TRUE bed rest, but basically I sit or lay whenever feasible trying to prevent gravity from expediting Phoebe's arrival. So at the wedding, I sat the whole time. Other people stepped up all weekend and helped watch and care for AJ. Charlie (obviously), Mimi, Coco, Nic, Fox, Risi, Olivia... everyone.

It's really been that way since I was in the hospital. Charlie is shouldering an unbelievable load right now. He is essentially doing EVERYTHING at home. Cooking. Cleaning, Dishes. Laundry. AJ's Baths. Playing with AJ. Feeding her. Everything.  (Also, why are pets 100x's worse when everything else is crazy? If any of them are inside, they are going to throw up or make some other disgusting mess for Charlie to clean.)

On top of some difficult weeks. 

-A few weeks ago we got 10-12'' of rain. It pounded his farm. He lost crops. So he's working double time to make sure he has veggies for his CSA members. 

-That same weekend, we had a power surge that blew out our internet modem/router and dishwasher. So when I say Charlie is doing all the dishes, I mean he is DOING all of the dishes. 

-Extra Hospital bills came in.

-One of the tires on the truck HAD to be replaced before we went to NOLA.

-I dilated and effaced more--so we were stressed trying to figure out what to do. We didn't want to miss the wedding or any of the wedding festivities, but it didn't seem like the best thing for me and Phoebe to go for the whole weekend. We couldn't figure out what to do. 

-And then on our way to New Orleans, the truck started alarming and said to pull over immediately. Something about the oil pressure. Apparently, our truck model has a glitch where the sensor goes out even though there's no problem--but it had Charlie on edge the entire trip there and back. And gave him an extra fun project to fix this week!  Because he doesn't have enough going on. 

-Saturday night before the wedding I honestly thought I was going into labor again. I was having consistent contractions and I just felt so yucky. But I went to bed at 8 and stayed in bed until around 10 the next morning. And I really felt so much better on Sunday for the wedding. It was such an answer to prayer.

I know there's more. It's just been a whole lot these last few weeks.

Our biological and Church families have been surrounding us with love and support. Mimi cleaned our house while we were in the hospital. The Dauzats kept AJ. Mrs. Suzie even slept on the couch in the living room with AJ to make sure she was comfortable since she hasn't spent the night away from Charlie and me except for maybe 1-2 times..? People have brought us food. Sent texts. Phone calls. PRAYED. Lots of people praying. 

It's been a difficult few weeks, but I feel like everyone is helping me shoulder the load. I've been able to focus on Phoebe and keeping her (and myself) healthy. It's humbling. It really is. 

The difference between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with AJ is kind of unreal. In every way. My anxiety level to start with :) 

It's going to be so fun to start shaping our little 4-person family. 2 daughters :) I'm a blessed mama.

keep growing

Sometimes God moves and it's obvious. Sometimes He heals people in a moment and they're not the same. There is proof that He was at work. Yesterday at church, a friend with heart trouble suddenly felt faint--he couldn't stand up and he was white as paper and sweating buckets (aaaand Arisa couldn't find his pulse for a while--when she did it was very weak). His wife said it was what happened the last time he had a heart attack. They both looked (understandably) scared. A group of us prayed for him outside and sent him to the emergency room. Before he left, his color started returning and there was NOTHING that showed up on his labs. The MD said it must have just been from locking his knees when standing up.

It could have been from locking his knees.... But seriously. God touched him.

So these things do happen. God moves.

And then sometimes He moves in a different way. He helps us outgrow something. That takes time. Sometimes lots of time.

It's like planting an oak tree. Let's say a sidewalk was poured near the tree. It may take (a lot of) time, but eventually, that tree's roots will outgrow the sidewalk. Eventually those roots will grow so big and unbending that they will crumble and overturn and displace the concrete. A little oak tree can grow and overcome something as unyielding as an asphalt road or concrete that it meant to handle pound after pound after pound of pressure.

I know I wasn't using a fruit-bearing tree analogy--but this also means that we can bear fruit while we are waiting on our freedom. Just because it doesn't happen suddenly doesn't mean it won't happen or isn't happening.

Pneuma

During worship this morning we sang a song about how God is our healer. I was thinking about something my dad said in one of his sermons a while back--about how how we look to God to bring healing--and he is that--He is healer. But He's even more than that. He brings LIFE. In my mind's eye I saw how God brought clay together and breathed life into it. And it became human. Or how He breathed into the valley of dry bones and everything became alive. He breaths life.

Our sermon this morning was about the Holy Spirit. P Timmy said that the word used for the Holy Spirit in the New Testament was "pneuma" (I looked at Charlie and said, "Breath!") And that's essentially what the root of the word means. The breath of God. It brings life and power and refreshing. Even more than healing, God, the Spirit, brings life.

I am learning a lot about myself right now. Learning a lot and realizing how little I know. I like to be in control. Or... I like to try to control my life. TRY being the operative word. I know I've got to start letting that go. To start releasing it. I know the best way to do that is to release it to God. But then I get all, "I have to listen to God--I have to hear what He's saying and do everything right and don't mess it up and be sure I'm hearing Him all the time and doing what He says when He says it am I sure that was God? Am I sure that's what He said? Don't mess it up!" Which basically makes me in control again which was the whole thing that needs to change. What a vicious cycle.

I really do want to change. I really do want to follow the Spirit's leading and be less in control all of the time. But I honestly don't know how to do that without trying so hard that it makes me in control! blah! God, give me wisdom. Show me how this works.

more

I watched a YouTube video the other day about marriage. It was the same guy who wrote the 5 love languages. He was talking about how every marriage has 4 seasons. Winter, spring, summer, fall. And every relationship goes through changing seasons throughout the duration of the relationship. He said it's basically inevitable that a couple will have falls and winters, but that there are things you can do to leave fall or winter and spend more time in springs and summers.

We've been thinking about trying to find a book to spark some conversations about our relationship, but haven't known where to look. Maybe this will be a good place to start. We've been married 6.5 years. The further we go, the more I realize I don't know about marriage.

AJ is the best thing in the world. I want like 10 more of her. I'm trying to be/get/become as healthy as possible so we can have options when we feel like it's time to expand our family. Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to do all the things I want and need to do to take care of myself.

I've started doing some guided meditation. I've found some good Christian ones that lead you with prayers or scriptures or prompts for praying/praise. I've really been enjoying it. I've been listening to podcasts on parenting and marriage and nutrition. I've been trying to get outside.

I need to exercise more. I need to figure out how to keep up with housework better. It is... not my gifting in life. nor is grocery shopping or cooking or decorating or any of the other house things I feel like I am supposed to be good at. Just because I am a woman (especially as a Christian woman). Somehow, those things that I am not good at are Charlie's love language. Whyyyyyyyyy. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? I can tell him all the live-long-day how proud I am of him. But it just floats right on by him. And I eat that stuff up.

It's not easy. But I guess that's not what we're promised in life from the things that are worth it.

365 days

Tomorrow is the birthday day! 1 whole year. The first 6 months kind of felt like 5 years, but the second 6 months went by in about 3.5 minutes.

She is so amazing. She's walking and talking (well. trying on both accounts).

She's supposed to be taking her afternoon nap right now. But she's sitting up in her crib rubbing her eyes. Susan said her boys went down to 1 nap per day at around a year, but she cries soooo much when I don't put her down. But she's doing 1 good nap for Mimi, so maybe I need to work toward that. I tried this morning, by holding off her morning nap until around 10:30 when Mimi puts her down. But instead, she just took a much shorter nap. HA. I'll figure it out.

Right now she's sitting in her crib rubbing her eyes. And then rubbing her head on her mattress and then sitting back up and rubbing her eyes. She's so tired.

I am a 365day-old mama. I know a LOT more about babies than my 0daymama-self knew. Aaaaaaand I have a lot to learn.

I know Parks and Rec is NOT a deep show, but on the last episode, Leslie tells April that kids are kind of like adding people to your team. Our team is SO much livelier and sillier and happier and cuter since AJ joined our team. But I know there are more of us. Our team isn't full, yet. It's fun to have your own team.

i set a goal to blog once a week...

You'd think I could manage that!

I am having so much fun planning AJ's birthday party. Charlie doesn't understand. (And I've never been very good at planning a party, so we'll see how everything comes together...) but I've enjoyed it. I worked on a chalkboard poster for AJ today. That was fun. I've made some flowers (with some special help from the Loup ladies) and spraypainted some things and... we'll see.

I've been so cold lately. Which is soooooo different than I've been the last couple of years. It feels weird to feel cold.

Last Friday night we had our first ladies' night at church for 2016. Amazing. As always. I meant to write about this sooner so I could actually remember details, but hopefully I can still give the impression that was left with me.

We talked about hope. During worship, we sang a song (that I didn't know) and it talked about how we're almost home. When we were singing that, I saw in my spirit the veil that separated the holy of holies from the rest of the temple. And I saw that veil torn in half from top to bottom as it did when Jesus was sacrificed. When the veil was torn, light came FLOODING out. And I had the sense that "home" was coming to us. The heavens were spilling onto earth.

And I could see how we don't have to wait for heaven for everything. The good things of God are spilling into our space and can touch what is earthly and broken.

And that vision filled me with hope.

Which just so happened to be the theme of the message that night. Megan spoke (and it was amazing) and she started off with the scripture that says "hope is the anchor for my soul". But did you know the second half of that verse? Somehow, I'd forgotten that it says, "That hope,e firm and secure like an anchor for our souls, reaches behind the curtain 20where Jesus, our forerunner, has gone on our behalf, having become a high priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek."

I love that. He split that curtain. And let the Kingdom flood earth.

love

I love this description of love by Lisa-Jo Baker:
"In real life people sneak out in the wee hours of Valentine’s Day to find a leftover card at the Dollar Store because they know it matters to us.

Sometimes real love is too busy unclogging the toilet, working the late shift, nursing the baby around the clock to find time to write down all the ways they love you – they’re too busy living it.

The thing about love in all its ordinary glory is that it was never designed to demand.

Love doesn’t stamp its foot because it didn’t get roses.

Love doesn’t sigh because it feels let down by the card or the day or the man.

Love doesn’t huff and puff and compare and point fingers.

Love doesn’t demand.

There is an age old definition of love that I thumb my way back to on the days I feel all that expectation bubbling up in me.

When I’m in danger of keeping score of what I did or didn’t get, of whether I was spoiled or celebrated sufficiently according to this weird and warped definition of love that has seeped into our culture.

On those days I flip back to the book that offers the most famously upside down definition of love:

Love never gives up.

Not when the baby has month after month of colic. Not when the teenagers won’t talk back. Not when the one you love is aching and breaking apart over that job, that terrible commute, all those night shifts, the dread of being laid off.

Love never gives up hoping, believing, cheering, listening, crying alongside, and planning together in the nooks and crannies of the leftover parts of the day – planning together for tomorrow.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love packs lunches for decades for kids who can never understand how boring week after week of figuring out new ways to make sandwiches can be.

Love moves in with its parents-in-law to take care of them, take up their burden and take back all the years they cared for you.

Love remembers to get up early to change the laundry to the dryer. Love kisses boo-boos and helps bandage up broken hearts.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love doesn’t demand that card or necklace or Kay’s Kiss or Ring or Diamond when love has all these legs and arms tangled in a bed and a shared saggy mattress that wakes up to sticky kisses from toddler lips.

Love is satisfied with right now. Love isn’t always looking for something better than the man across the breakfast table who winks at you in your tired pajamas and still sees you through the memory of a twenty one year old’s eyes.

Love doesn’t strut, it doesn’t show off or show up others. It leans into the lonely and the forgotten and love sees them. Love sees the people around its table, living next door, swallowed up by fear – love leans into them and away from its own accomplishments.

Doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t keep lists of all that its achieved, all that it wants, all that you did or didn’t do for it. Because love is too busy admiring all that wonder in the DNA of someone else – that aunt who beats cancer every morning when she wakes up and decides to live out loud today, in that husband who keeps fighting for work that will provide for his family, in that first grader who sweats his way to figuring out how to properly make the “S” sound.

Love lives large through the victories of others.

Doesn’t force itself on others, love doesn’t stamp its foot or keep a list of everything it didn’t get or that didn’t go it’s way. Isn’t always “me first,” Love is about that tiny wisp of a baby, that temper-ridden toddler, that good man with his aching back. Love sees them through Jesus-colored lenses and believes the best.

Love isn’t easily disappointed or viscously competitive. Love doesn’t compare what it has to what it wanted. Love doesn’t point out all the ways the ones it loves were late or selfish or stupid. Love takes a deep breath. Love always gives second, third, hundredth chances.

Love is all about do-overs.

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Love doesn’t spiral into arguments that circle back to decades ago of disappointment. Love doesn’t say, “You forgot AGAIN.”
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
When he’s hurting or she’s so sorry for forgetting. Love listens. Tenderly.
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Love believes the best and receives the truth with both arms wide open ready for that hug, that gift of being nose-to-nose with the ones who make us whole.

Puts up with anything,
With burnt toast mornings and late shift nights. With imperfect cards, words, and offerings. With gifts that don’t live up to magazine standards of romantic and date nights that exist as stolen moments between the toddler’s bedtime and early morning wake up call.

Trusts God always,
That He will teach us how to love. And that He will surround us with love in every ordinary, nameless, faceless, Sunday that isn’t a special day on the calendar.

Always looks for the best,
In the man across the table and in the woman in front of us in the mirror. In the kids that frustrate us and in the day to day friendships that sometimes feel like they might break us. Love looks hard and long for the best.

Never looks back,
Not to the last fight, the last failure, the last forgotten holiday. Love only has eyes for today.

But keeps going to the end.

To the end of itself, the end of its expectations, love keeps walking its way home with the people who are the heart of its home.

I don’t know about you, but this is the definition of love I’m going to take into tomorrow – into Valentine’s Day and if I can remember, into all the other ordinary days that follow behind it.

I know I’ll get it wrong and there will be times I’m disappointed.
But I want to work hard at this love thing –
I want to do love – every day."

whew.

I still can't seem to kick the last little bit of perinatal anxiety that started during pregnancy. I'd compare it to... allergies or something. It does still bother me... but it's more of an annoyance that a big interference. BUT it does bother me enough to want it to go away. SO I'm trying something new. It's called EMDR.

It sounds kind of weird, and I don't quite understand it yet. But I'm hopeful. My basic understanding is that we'll try to re-frame some negative associations/fears. Which is really something I have been trying to do and prayed for, but this is a methodical and scientific method of doing so :)

What I'm praying for is that whatever comes up to be Holy-Spirit led. God created science and the mind and I believe that He can orchestrate exactly the things I do or do not need to re-frame.

When I spoke with the therapist, she kept asking me if I had any childhood trauma--and I don't! I explained what a wonderful childhood I had! Great parents, fun siblings, everything. I really can't imagine what it must be like for people who have had hard lives. What must that be like?! If you had absent / neglectful / abusive parents? I am so fortunate. God has blessed me over and over and over.

We sang this in worship today--it was so good. Faithful you have been, and faithful you will be. That's why I'm singing your praise will ever be on my lips...

slow down

AJ is napping right now. We have Fox for the day, so he's taking a break and playing Minecraft while she's napping. Earlier today, we went out and explored the yard! He set a goal for us to find 43 leaves--red, yellow, orange and green. We got a little sidetracked and picked up all sorts of stuff.

You know? I really enjoyed it. I don't know the last time I went outside in our yard and REALLY paid attention to the details. It was fun! I was amazing at what we found in the yard. Sometimes you just have to keep your eyes open.

Mardi Gras was fun. AJ was a little overwhelmed by ALL the people and noise, but she did well. She wasn't really fussy, she just stared the whole time, expressionless. Maybe next year she'll be able to warm up to it a little better. It's become a really fun highlight of the Loup family year--all of us go and spend the morning and afternoon together. I'm so thankful Kerry and Eloise let us crash their place for the day every year!

The weather has been beautiful again lately. I hope it's pleasant for AJ's birthday. I really need to start working on her party details. Charlie still wants to go with our original plan of immediate family only. And I always felt that way, too until my sweetestbabygirlinthewholeentireworld almost turned 1! Now I want a big party and celebrate the fact that we all made it a year... and that she's just so special and amazing. I know the 1st birthday party isn't for the baby--we really don't want any presents because we're feeling packed to the brim in our house. But I just want to celebrate the amazingness that is AJ.

So we shall see. I'm pretty sure Charlie will be super-annoyed if we invite more people. Maybe I can just trick Mimi into inviting the other people and then I can get out of the blame :)

Hello

Wow it's been a while.

I've been thinking it'd be good to start blogging again. I have alllll the emotions and it would probably be good to process them and get them out in a healthy outlet.

AJ is almost a year old! It has gone so quickly. Well, the days have (sometimes) been long, but the year has flown.

I'm working 2-3 days/week at work. Just starting to try to add 4-8 hours every other week. It will help me keep up with one of my units that I don't really get to spend much time on. My job keeps me so busy--so my 10 hour days FLY by. I've really enjoyed working. After so much wondering about what I'd want to do/need to do once AJ came, I feel so sure that God provided the exact situation I needed. Even the population I'm working with. God is really faithful.

AJ is the most delightful baby/person/little girl that ever lived. I literally just stare at her while she plays sometimes. She's so funny! The way she studies things and tries to figure it out. Watching her try to stack things on top of each other and being genuinely interested in why sometimes it balances and sometimes it doesn't! The way she's started to randomly lay down on the floor or lay her head down on her lovie while she's standing by the ottoman. haha Trying to shove pieces of fruit in her mouth using her whole hand. Or trying to pat her mouth to make "ah-ah-ah-ah" sounds but how she uses the back of her hand and just wiggles her fingers. I can't describe it right, but it's completely ridiculous. Or how she snuggles up with me at night and sometimes randomly on the couch.

There is NOTHING in all the world like having a daughter. It's incredible. I am SO PROUD of her over the littlest things. (^see paragraph above :))

In December, I really thought I had 100% recovered from all the perinatal issues. I haven't. Generally now, they're just a bother. Like allergies or something. It's annoying, but doesn't really interfere with ADLs or drastically impact my quality of life.

I really believe our bodies/minds/guts are so much more connected than we understand. I'm reading a couple of books about the nutrient/mind connection. They think that one day we will literally be able to treat mental illnesses with nutrients rather than medications. I think we're a looooong way off from that, but wouldn't that be something? I want to understand it more. I really believe the issues I have had are connected with nutrition/hormones/imbalances.

On the radio yesterday, they were talking about depression. Someone called in and said that every person on earth should feel dismayed at the state things are in. I disagree with that (I think if you can't see anything good, you probably are clinically depressed), but it is true that there are a lot of hard things marbled into the good. AJ is the best thing that's ever happened to me! But it is marbled with hard things.

chains

Tonight we kicked off our year of women's ministry at church.

Ohmy gracious. It was so good.

During worship--the Holy Spirit was THERE. With us in the room. When we were singing "there is power in the name of Jesus" I just saw this picture of people being... well... so creatively... in chains. And it was like Satan had put a lock in the loops of the chain and said, "well. that's that! they'll never get out." And I saw the people that I work with/for. Those in mental health crises. Those who have been there over and over again. Those who aren't getting better. Those who they say, "there's no fixing that" about.

But then I saw the chains falling. The enemy doesn't have the final say. He can't say "well that's that." He doesn't have that authority.

A month or two ago, (actually when I was still working at Villa) my mom said she saw me laying hands on people I work with. Having encouragement and God's healing to offer. Well. I think that's for this job I didn't even know I was going to have. I'm praying that God will give me clarity and wisdom about to whom I should minister to more than the standard dignity, respect and personalized care I try to show each of them.

So basically I had goosebumps for the entire time we were worshiping. (I'm honestly not exaggerating).

Megan shared the word tonight about going deeper with God. I want that. Being comfortable is never a good thing to be. (Not that I'm terribly comfortable in life right now as you may have picked up from previous posts), but deeper with God. I think it all ties in together. I think that really praying and really seeking God about who and where and when to show God's compassion at work--and to maybe allow him to speak prophetically through me at times--I think getting the focus off of me would be really good. Having one hand hanging on to Jesus, and one hand reaching out to help someone else.

It was just an awesome time.

Getting sleepy. Although I had to spit out the melatonin I bought today because IT HAS GLUTEN IN IT!

Hopefully I'll blog some more tomorrow.

hard

I'm watching AJ play in her bouncer right now. She is really growing up fast. Once we got to 3 months, things just took off with her developmentally. Now she can sit up by herself (of course surrounded by mommy or daddy or pillows). She's experimenting with cantaloupe in this cool little mesh pouch that prevents choking. She's happy and interactive. This is a very fun age. I -kind- of think she's the cutest baby of all time. But I know my perspective is a little skewed.

I went back to work 1-2 days per week at the state nursing home when AJ was about 10 weeks old. They really needed someone full-time though, so after a month or two, they hired a full-time RD who had been working up the street at the mental health hospital. Soooooo since I knew her boss, I emailed her to see if they were hiring part time. Lucky me! They were! So I trained the new RD for a week or two, then started at my new job the next week. It was such a smooth transition all the way around. Definitely the most confident I've ever been going into a new job. I feel like I know what I'm doing.

BUT. This new job is HARD. And when I say HARD, I mean HARD. The way their medical records are set up, I basically have to sort through everything to find the nutrition-information I need. (I'm sure I'll get better at it). But right now, I feel like I get slapped in the face over and over again 10 times a day with tragedy.

I work on the acute unit for people in mental health crises.

Raped. Molested as a kid. On drugs since they were 13. Alcoholic parents. 3rd admission to the facility. First child at age 15. Alcohol-> marijuana->cocaine->meth->mojo. Mental health issues since they were young. No work history. No education. No support. No solid relationships.

IT'S SO HARD. It feels like I'm too emotional to handle it. It's like when I pour over their chart, I'm reliving all the pain and hardship and tragedy they've been through. And it breaks me.

Where are you God? Where are you in their circumstances? In their pain? In their loss? In their... ...crazy? Where are you?

In some ways, this is harder for me to manage than the physical poverty I've seen. There's something about a poverty of spirit that is... so.... heart-wrenching.

On Thursday a girl asked, "Am I fixable? I don't think I'm fixable." (She drinks a 5th of vodka a day). The lady responded that yes, of course she was. But as soon as the patient left, she said, "She's not fixable. You can't fix that."

God, where are you?

It's so hard.

where have i been?

I haven't been blogging for a while. yes, I am a busy new 5-month-old mom, But it's something more. I wish I had better documentation of the first 5 months of AJ's life. They're the most wonderful months of my life. But they're also tainted by the hardest moments of my life. Things I have been extremely hesitant to talk about with anyone. Much less on my blog. (Even though I believe it's only a handful of people anyhow.)

But I DO want to write more because I enjoy writing. It helps me process. And I also really love to reflect. Charlie pointed that out to me. Somehow I didn't directly realize that about myself. (He made me the most wonderful timeline of our marriage for our anniversary last week).

SO. I have perinatal OCD. I never had OCD before. And it's not the check-the-locks-and-the-oven OCD either. Or the straightening pictures or washing hands or whatever else you think OCD HAS to be. Mine revolves around my thought life. Specifically since I've been pregnant and about AJ. Intrusive thoughts. If you want to google it, go ahead, but don't look too far because it's actually pretty disturbing. However, the main point is that the content of the thoughts doesn't matter. They're so horrible and scary that my fear of them actually perpetuates the thoughts. I'll say "goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway" but that just means I'm continually thinking about what it is I want to go away.

It's a long story, but God connected me with a doctor who specializes in this area. She thinks a lot of my physical condition has contributed. I have something called "dysautonomia"--I always referred to it as "my heart thing" in the past. It has to do with blood pressure and standing in place and it's connected to Celiac Disease which is all interlinked with nutrition and my nervous and immune systems and biology and hormones and blah. everything. (Our bodies are SO very interconnected. We don't give God enough credit for how integral each part is to each other part).

But I just did an exercise to help work on my fear-reaction. You set a time of day to worry. for 10-15 minutes. Until that specific time, if you have any trouble with thoughts, you just say, "I'll worry about it at ___ time." So I did that. And then the time came for my first "worry session". Can I tell you how silly it felt? To try to conjure up worry? To attempt to work myself up over something that has been tormenting me? It was disconnecting myself from the worry. I was in control, and suddenly it wasn't so scary.

I mean... I know really that GOD is in control. Some trust in horses. Some in Chariots. Most in ourselves. But we will trust in the name of our God. I've been working so hard to control the thoughts. I've been working triple-time to make sure that I control myself. I've got to figure this surrender thing out. I've got to figure out what it really means to trust God--and that He is good all the time.

It's not for lack of trying. The word God gave me for 2015 was "abide". To live, dwell, and remain at all times. It's my desire to Abide in God.

The people I work with are in the most dire situations. It's very hard for me to see God in their lives or circumstances. I have so much to learn. God, give me a learner's heart. Let me abide in you. Let me surrender all to you.

Family

I'm certain to offend some people with this post, but I'll put that up front. If you may get offended, or don't want to be offended by me, please don't read this. But this is too big of a deal to not blog about for my future reference. Keyword being MY.

So just a few days ago (I believe on 6.26), the supreme court made the decision to legalize gay marriage in the US. I deleted the Facebook app off of my phone because people are nuts. If I have to read one more post about how this is the gateway for pedophilia, I'm going to lose it. (Because 100% of known pedophile cases get locked up in jail and have to announce to their neighbors when they move into a neighborhood and 1 million other restrictions. And I'm thinking there's 0 things like that applied to gay relationships. The relationships were legal, only the status of marriage with its legal ramifications was not granted.)

I think what has bothered me the most about this whole debate is that Christians are saying that it's defiling marriage and defiling the family. Marriage is a religious institution.  I have a suggestion. Let the government no longer grant marriages. Only churches should. And let the government only issue civil unions. When I go to a wedding in a church with a priest and I know the couple doesn't have a relationship with God, I leave the service scratching my head. To me, this is part of the problem. If marriages are something created by God, then why do people outside of the church get married? Is it still a marriage if both parties aren't believers?

Furthermore, the church doesn't take marriage seriously. It's not treated with the sacredness it should be! This is OUR problem. If we want the world to respect marriage and consider it holy, then we better live in such a way that our marriages reflect that. But they don't. People should be able to look at our marriages and families and say that we're doing something right. Won't it be a big black eye on the church if gay marriages have a lower divorce rate than traditional evangelical marriages? I can see that happening because this is going to be a BIG DEAL for people to marry who have never been able to before, and I believe they're going to take it seriously.

I really feel that before we start hurling stones at people, we better take a good look inward.

In our world today with the highest number of human slaves in history and wars and murders and everything going on, I really don't feel that people WANTING to commit themselves to one another should be at the top of our list of horrors.

The family unit is terribly important. I think family is where Charlie and I will shine. But maybe we could attack things with action rather than pointed fingers.

hungry

So much I've been thinking about. There's been several times I've thought, "I need to blog about that" and then I forget.
I was able to see my mom, aunts, and a couple of cousins in Pensacola at the end of last week. It was WONDERFUL. A flying trip, but one I would take again in a heartbeat. Mom and I spent almost all day Friday at the beach. We took walks looking for seashells. We sat in the shade at the beach. And we took AJ to the pool for her first time in the water (other than a bath, of course).
AJ has been doing really well lately--I feel less fussy than she has been. But Friday was a fairly exhausting day for her (only 1 nap and LOTS of stimulation) and she was FIGHTING going to sleep.
So, as I was holding her and trying to give her the last evening feeding and she was screaming and yelling--I could just feel the presence of God. I could feel that I am just like her at times.

Yes, baby. I know you're hungry.
Yes, baby. I know you're so exhausted.
Yes, baby. I know!

And I held her close and I knew how safe she was. I knew that all of the emotions she was feeling that were spilling out of her were real--she WAS feeling hunger pangs and the wear-and-tear of exhaustion. But I was holding her and she was safe and the bottle was in her mouth and all she had to do was drink. And close her eyes and let me hold her and feed her.

14 weeks

AJ is a little over 14 weeks old! She's growing up so quickly!

We went up to Illinois and she got to meet Aunt Stacy and Uncle Alan, Caleb, and Asher for the first time. She LOVED watching her cousins play! She would just lay on the floor and watch them run around the room. Wherever they went, her eyes would follow. It was very sweet.

We had a really nice time. Hiking, talking, feeding babies, putting babies down for naps, hugging babies, and cleaning up toys that babies played with :)

When I came back home on Monday I felt refreshed. I realllllllllllllly wish I could have my whole family closer, but I AM very thankful that we have family close down here. Very thankful.

But that didn't stop me last night from making up a dream life where my dad gets a job at Healing Place school of ministry and they live down the street from us :/ And of course Susan (and family) and Stacy would magically move down here, too. Of course.

Sooooo right now AJ is probably working the hardest at bringing things she is holding to her mouth. And attempting to chew on them. She also rolls over from her belly to her back sometimes (typically when she's pretty awake and I lay her on her tummy.) She LOVESLOVESLOVES standing up. She loves it when we sing "AJ Loup-ty Loup" to her and make her dance. She also loves daddy's animal noises.

When I sing to her, I find myself always gravitating toward old Brookhill summer camp songs. "Sanctuary", "As the Deer", "Light a Fire", "Father, I adore you" etc. It's funny! I guess those songs are soothing to me and that's why they come to mind. AJ generally responds well to them.

She's wearing size 1 diapers. She sleeps 8-11 hours per night (although, for whatever reason, she seems to wake up in the middle of the night more often when Charlie has her...?) She also isn't napping great at Mimi's house, but Mimi went overboard and is making her a whole set-up nursery at her place to make AJ as comfy as possible over there. I'm very very grateful that Mimi is doing such much for AJ. It's allowing me to 1) go to work and 2) not worry when I'm AT work! That's just as big as being able to go! I know AJ is smothered with love all day! And I'm sure she'll get more and more comfortable over there and nap like she does over here. (or they'll just get into their own routine).

What else? It's terrible selfish, but I like it when AJ responds the best to me--feeding, sleeping, bathing, etc. Sometimes if Charlie can't get her to do something, I can. That's very selfish, I know. But I feel like it's a Mommy-right! Charlie does WAY more for and with her than I think a lot of men do--and I love that (and I know AJ benefits from it), but I do really like being her mommy. There's nothing else like it. (It's Father's Day tomorrow. Sorry Charlie!) (Obviously I'm wild about you, and AJ is, too!)

That's probably enough for now. Really, probably too much :) But that's okay. I think me and my mom are my only viewers.

thoughts on parenthood

This post is kind of long and heavy. SO. Here's a picture of AJ to lighten it a bit :)

Today I read an article about birth control. The writer talked about how it's a form of... pride. Like saying you know better than God when to have kids/how many kids to have, etc. The article talked about a woman who unexpectedly found out she was pregnant with her 7th child. She wasn't very excited when she found out--how would she provide (emotionally and financially) for another child? But she said she clung to God and his grace--and began to see it as a God-work.

"Pregnancy is a God-gift, a phenomenon of willingly giving up your body to be broken for another being so that they can have life."

I LOVE the concept. I really do. I love the idea of giving that completely to God and allowing him to shape and form our family.

But then that thought also TERRIFIES me. I'm not positive I completely believe it...? God has set up the earth to have actions--->consequences. So DOES that mean I should have as many kids as possible? From my own body?

I'm still thinking about all the children with no parents or bad parents or absent parents or abusive parents. At work, some nurses were talking about a new drug called "mojo" and they pulled up a couple of videos of people tripping on it. In one, there is a screaming baby in the background. Seriously? You're doing drugs and someone is filming you and NO ONE is taking care of the screaming baby? (Imean. I know sometimes AJ screams even when she is being taken care of. But I kind of doubt that was the case here). And then I heard another story about a grandmother who was trying to get custody of her 5 month old granddaughter. The 5 month old babygirl couldn't even lift her head she was so weak/neglected/malnourished.

I worry about being an adequate mother to AJ. I worry I'm not enough. I worry the worst of humanity will come out in me. I worry my impact on AJ is or will be negative or void. That she would somehow be better off without me.

Imean... I KNOW that isn't true... but it doesn't stop the fear.

Rabbit trail. Back to my original point. I AM a loving, nurturing mom. So should I have as many kids as possible from my own body? Or should I take some responsibility for those who are born and yet are parentless?

I'm not sure what the answer is--like many things, it may be different for different people and different circumstances. Maybe I'm still recovering from the brokenness pregnancy brought into my life.

This may sound like a negative post, and I don't mean it to. I LOVE AJ. I was worried about bonding with her, but it's been so much easier to love her than I imagined (before I met her). He grin makes me melt. She's started talking to me when she's nursing. She'll stare at me for a while, and then smile and then start coo-ing away. It's so special. And she's only been here 2 months and 18 days.

Wow. I have the TV on in the background and they just started talking about foster-care. I don't know. I don't know exactly where God will lead. I don't know how many of our children we will grow in my body or graft into our family.

Parenthood is awesome and an awesome responsibility. I want to do it right.

(Also. Apparently new moms are the target audience for day-time television because that's who all the commercial are targeted at).

AJ's birth story

wow it's been a while. Almost 3 months!
Obviously a lot has happened with the birth of our baby girl Arisa Jane Loup!
She was born March 4, 2015 at 9:15 pm--weighing 6# 14oz and 20' long. I had a great, uncomplicated labor and delivery. I was really worried about all of that, but it went so smoothly.

I was actually in labor at work that Wednesday morning, but I had a checkup scheduled for that afternoon, so I just hung in there. I was feeling nauseous, but I knew moms probably all feel yucky when they're basically at their due date. But when I went in to my OB, she checked me and I was 5cm dilated. So she sent me straight over to the hospital where they hooked me up and started an antibiotic and fluids. And pitocin. At this point, my contractions were naturally picking up, and with the addition of the pitocin, I asked for the epidural. Charlie headed over from Oscar when I called him from the Dr's office and told him we were having a baby! He got there just before they gave me the epidural. I guess I checked in around 2 or 3. Mrs. Annie came early, too.

The epidural was kind of scary. I could feel pin-pricks in different parts of my back and I kept jumping a little. The CRNA told me to stop jerking :) It worked pretty quickly, but I had a "hot spot" on my lower right abdomen where I could still feel contractions. They rolled me over to my side, but the hot spot didn't go away. I cried. Then, the CRNA came back and adjusted the needle. It worked! No more pain. (And apparently I'm one of the small percent of women who can still move their legs even though they're numb! That was kind of bizarre feeling).

Around 7:30-8? I got really nauseous and started throwing up. Right as PopPop and Risa came in. Nursing checked me and I was about 8-9cm dilated. They said sometimes throwing up means you're about to give birth. They were right! The doctor came  in shortly after, and I started pushing. 40 minutes later, AJ entered the outside world! Charlie was a champ, standing up by my head, holding my hand and helping me get in position to push. He didn't watch anything, but I told him I wouldn't want to watch it either, so that was a-okay with me. But all the nurses and doctor DID convince him to cut the umbilical cord.

The delivery was fairly uncomplicated. Just a small episiotomy and I had to be on oxygen while I was pushing.

AJ nursed so well that night. She was also extremely alert when PopPop, Mimi, Aunt Risi, Uncle Nic, Aunt Coco and Fox came in to meet her. She was wide-eyed and looking around at everything. It was wonderful having them all come to meet her. It really was. And all the staff commented on how great our family was--they were nice, calm, and stayed the perfect amount of time. Yay Loups! :)

Our stay in the hospital was good. (Although they had NO CLUE about a celiac diet!! No clue. They would ask me if I could eat what was on the tray. I even got one tray with a piece of bread on it. My meal ticket said "no bread".) But other than that, nursing staff was awesome. AJ's temp dropped a little the first night, so they kept her in an incubator to stay warm. They'd bring her to me to nurse. Other than that, they would just check on us, but let us rest and bond.

My parents came in Friday night and got to meet AJ. It's a special thing to introduce your daughter to your parents.

One strange thing. AJ was born on the coldest night--we even had sleet. So Charlie actually had to drive back and forth to Glynn a few times to check on his plants and keep everything from freezing. I'm sure it's these small things I'll eventually forget about, so I want to write them down for record.

I know that's probably way more than anyone wants to know. But maybe (hopefully) AJ will want to know about her birth one day and we'll be able to remember all the good details for her.

AJ. Mama loves you! Daddy does too of course. I wasn't sure how I would feel to meet you for the first time. But it was awesome. You were beautiful and perfect. It was emotional in all the right ways. I immediately felt connected to you. I like to think back on being pregnant with you and imagining you there with me. You WERE with me. But now it's fun because I KNOW you. We had 40 weeks of experiences together before we ever met. I love you, little girl.

Abide

I'm still thinking about my "word" for the year--ABIDE.

It's something I need to learn so badly. It's something I WANT so badly.

Psalm 27
A psalm of David.
1The LORD is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
2When evil people come to devour me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.
4The one thing I ask of the LORD—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
delighting in the LORD’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
5For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
6Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the LORD with music.
7Hear me as I pray, O LORD.
Be merciful and answer me!
8My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.”
9Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
10Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the LORD will hold me close.
11Teach me how to live, O LORD.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
12Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
13Yet I am confident I will see the LORD’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.
14Wait patiently for the LORD.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.


What I love about this scripture, is that the Temple--the sanctuary--the place he hides away with God, is NOT just a place of refuge. David says that he ABIDES there--and THEN when the day of trouble comes, he is safe. I want to abide in God at all times--not just when trouble comes.

I read a scripture today that really made me think about this concept--in terms of "rest". This comes from Hebrews 3:
"For who were those who heard and yet rebelled? Was it not all those who left Egypt led by Moses? And with whom was he provoked for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the wilderness? And to whom did he swear that they would not enter his rest, but to those who were disobedient? So we see that they were unable to enter because of unbelief."

They were unable to enter rest because of unbelief. Maybe as I study along this year my understanding of abiding will change--but I envision it as a type of rest (and peace and intimacy) in any situation. The Israelites were unable to reach a place of rest because of their unbelief. God, let it not be so about me!

They forced God to prove Himself over and over and over again for 40 years--swaying in between belief and unbelief like a pendulum. I know that God is who He says He is! He can do what He says He can do! I am who He says I am! I can do what He says I can do!

But finding that place of rest and abiding is dependent upon me living that out. Believing when my feelings and emotions aren't quite caught up yet.

As I get prepared to embark on the greatest change I will probably ever experience (adding AJ to our family) I know I will have ample time to practice these principles--to abide in God whether easy or hard, happy or sad, tired or wired, worried or rejoicing, feeling full of faith or doing it afraid.

names

I've been listening to some Beth Moore teachings on the names of God. She's just covered 3 so far--and she notes that the first time that particular name of God is used in the Bible signifies significance--the context is important and will tell us more about what that name for God means.

Elohim means the universal creator. Yahweh or Jehovah is the ineffable name of God. He's the great covenant-maker and covenant-keeper. Our LORD. Jehovah Heseenu--the LORD our maker.

I'm getting all the names mixed up, but something I've taken away from the teachings is that God needs nothing to exist or to create. He is who He is. When Moses saw the burning bush, it was so amazing to him because the bush wasn't being consumed. I guess I had never really thought about the implications of that beyond it being a miracle. But it was amazing because God could be there, burning, without the need for fuel. He IS.
That's how He could provide manna for the Israelites in the desert. He is. He can create out of nothing.

In other news, I am HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. I had a brief (unfortunately too brief) nesting period. It was this awesome burst of energy when I wanted to clean all the things and make sure everything is ready. Now I'm tired again. Tired and hungry. I want to eat all the things.

I think my face looks like I'm pregnant now. Pregnancy mouth and... face. It's the only part of me that feels puffy right now. I'm unsure if it's because I'm pregnant, or because I'm eating all the things :)

We've still got some things to get finished before AJ comes. Which coooould be early since I'm already 2cm dilated, 50% effaced and her head is engaged. Taxes. Cleaning out the guest room. Installing the car seat. Get Charlie insurance. And a couple more things to buy. But we've checked a lot off of our list.